I think the world can never have enough heroes. Everybody loves the hero. Heroes are defined by many different characteristics ranging from strength to survival or anyone paving the way through great adversity, so that others can more easily take a similar path. However, as far as the job of a superhero, you can take that job and shove it!
Many of us, when hearing about a hero think first of a superhero: Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman or Spiderman. These types of heroes have been romanticized by Hollywood for years, and they are among some of the more impressive movies, but I can’t help but feel that there are aspects of their lives that are not accurately portrayed.
I think it would be quite amazing to have super powers, but one thing I would not like about superpowers is the expectation of being a superhero. I am sure it is like most things that we enjoy. They are loads of fun until it becomes something we have to do. Then, it just becomes one big pain in the ass, and there would undoubtedly be an obligation to leave the house every day. Let’s assume I was a superhero. For the sake of this story, I will be Awesomeman. This may sound like an exciting scenario to some of you, but let me bring you down to earth.
The expectation of hygiene would be terrible. Every day I would be expected to shave, shower, brush my teeth and always wear clean tights. You never know when the press will be around wanting to jam cameras right up my ass. The kids would be watching and OH NO I can disappoint parents by giving their children an excuse to let their personal appearance slide. I would have to have so many pairs of tights and doing laundry would be a bitch, because I would have to wear my tights underneath my clothes. I do well to find one clean wardrobe each morning; two is a tad optimistic.
Everywhere I went I would be asked the same stupid questions, and asked to perform the same stupid parlor tricks; “Hey Awesome-man, can I get a picture of you lifting my car over your head?”, or “Hey Awesome-man, How fast can you fly?”, or “Hey Awesome-man why do you where tights?” I would be constantly lifting heavy shit for the amusement of people, and giving free rides everywhere.
I cannot imagine I would ever get a day off, and how in the Hell, am I supposed to make a living anyway? I will most likely have a shitty forty-hour a week job. I am at work and they flash the big “A” light in the sky above the city. I get a call saying a young girl is trapped on the 45th floor of a high-rise building, and I guess there is an expectation for me to go save her now. I have to be anonymous, but my boss is getting tired of this shit. This happens all the time and he has a business to run. It’s not as if I can run to him and say, “Boss I have to go there is a little girl in trouble!” I have to make up some lame excuse, such as, I’m sick or my kid has a doctor appointment. He says, “Well that’s it then, you can consider yourself shit-canned!”
So now, I can fly my unemployed ass onto the scene of the high-rise fire. I see the little girl forced to jump out of the window to avoid burning to death. It’s not as if there is time to locate her parents fill out a service contract, negotiate a fee and wait for the check to clear. It would be a matter of act immediately and maybe they will pay. I have to swoop in, catch her and return her safely to the ground. I get a hug from her parents, a handshake from the mayor, and get drilled right in my bulletproof ass once again by the country in which I live. Even if they did write me a check on the scene, how in the Hell does Tom Nardone cash a check made out to Awesomeman?
I would be sure to get bad press as a result of this power. The press would hate everything I stood for. The media’s bread and butter are the death, dismemberment, terror, pain and suffering of the citizens of their community. Without these disasters and deaths, they would have to work and come up with stories that were interesting. As Awesomeman, I would be a threat to their livelihood.
On the rare cases when they were there to cover disasters, they would no doubt post headlines such as, “Where Was Awesomeman?” or “Awesomeman’s Vacation Causes 20 to Perish!” I would be smeared daily and perhaps even painted as a pedophile, drug-addict, alcoholic or some other less desirable person. They can’t have me going around screwing up their stories. Newspaper and News reporters make money when people die. This is not true of Ned Hickson. (I love Ned.)
I also see a lot of room for marital problems. I can see myself coming home after saving the young girl from the high-rise building, for which I have received no money. I can’t tell my wife, “I am Awesomeman”, because that is just the rule. She will no doubt give me the cold stare after I explain to her I was fired again. Now I have to look for another job. She will of course start yakking of what a bad example I am to the kids. Asking me how they will grow up under the supervision of a father who can’t even hold down a job.
Since I am unemployed now, I will have to be the primary doer of all the yard work and housework. I will have to do this at the same time I look for a job and try to save the world.
There is just no winning. I don’t think I would want these kinds of superpowers. Knowing myself as I do, I think eventually, I would just fly out to my fortress of Awesometude, and become a hermit until death brought me sweet relief. If you are ever offered superpowers, I do hope you will remember my words.
“The Fleas Come With the Dog”
I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome
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- Or, you can enter you email address at the top of this page and click the button that says “BE AWESOME”
- Or, you could risk never hearing from me again and go through life without the benefit of my counsel, but what would be the fun in that?
- Suitable Day Jobs For Superheroes [Infographic] (loupdargent.info)
- Defining a Hero and a Superhero (kyliethesz7.wordpress.com)
- The Urban Hero: A Possibility (totaldetective.wordpress.com)
- Why Superheroes Wear Their Underwear on the Outside (gizmodo.co.uk)
- DIY Superhero Snowflakes: Paper Heroes (technabob.com)
- Are Superheroes Fascist? (badassdigest.com)
- Why Superheroes Wear Their Underwear on the Outside (gizmodo.com)
- What is a Superhero? (darthdandelion.wordpress.com)
- Superheroes If They Were Fat – Fan Art (geektyrant.com)