Frosty the Snowman, You Are Gonna Love Hell!

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Frosty, the snowman has been a part of Christmas for a long time. What in the Hell are we trying to teaching our kids exactly. This must sound strange to some of you, but many of you failed to see the flaws in Rudolph until they were brought to light by me, and in the end my insightful observations, were proven to be sound. Let’s examine why Frosty, and his snow covered ass are damaging to your child.

In the opening a magician while attempting to entertain a bunch of snotty nosed kids, was having a tough time getting his tricks to work. Later his rabbit ran off with his hat and he wanted it back. As he was chasing after it he made a dive for it and it flew away and landed on the head of a snow man. This caused Frosty to come to life immediately. The first words out of his mouth were “Happy Birthday”. I don’t know exactly what in the shit that means, but anyway, the magician still wanted his hat and the kids told him he could not have it. Frosty, who at no time during the whole special wore a stitch of clothing, and thinking only of protecting his own ass allows these kids to steal the hat from the magician. Later, he says he needs to go to the North Pole to prevent himself from melting. He successfully cons these eight year old kids into taking him to the train station.

Picture2Now…here is where I question parents letting their kids watch this special. You see, in this country, or any civilized country, when you see a naked man walking down the street with his pipe out, corn cobb or otherwise, singing with a bunch of eight year old kids behind him, we would not think to smile at him. No, we would think to kill him. The people of the town, including the cop who almost arrested him only for not observing a red light, did not see this as a problem. He almost gave him a ticket for walking through an intersection, but singing while naked with pipe in hand at times, well that is just fine.

When they cannot afford the $3000 train ticket, Frosty is complicit in allowing these kids to help him sneak aboard the train. They broke into a refrigerated car and boarded it. Frosty did not even consider the fact he was contributing to their delinquency. He didn’t even care the refrigerated car might cause this child to get hypothermia. He did not give a shit about anyone; he was concerned only for his own frozen white ass.

The magician was still hot on their trail, and finally found Frosty and the young kidnapped girl. While they were in the greenhouse, the magician heroically slammed the door, and Frosty’s ass melted along with the rest of him, and there was nothing left but a puddle of water and the magician’s property. When the magician attempted to claim his hat, guess who showed up to drill him right in the ass? That is correct, the biggest asshole of them all. Santa Clause.

Picture1If Santa is not beating Rudolph’s self-esteem into the ground he is standing up for a kidnapping peder-ass that corrupts children into breaking the law for the purpose his own wellbeing. Santa then uses the power of his title to bully this man into leaving without the hat he traveled so far to recover. Santa tells him he must not only leave the hat with them, but he must write, “I am sorry for what I did to Frosty” a 100 million times. That is bullshit. How in the Hell can he expect to accomplish this. He left quickly to hurry up and get started on his punishment. He then completes his evil intervention by do a most despicable act in reviving Frosty.

So to review, we have a naked man kidnapping children who is most likely a peder-ass, stealing property and breaking and entering with children he has conned into a self-serving partnership. We then have Santa deciding to punish the man who thwarted Frosty’s reign of terror with the kidnapped eight year old. He screwed over the man who rescued her from God knows what unspeakable crimes. Santa then caps all of this off by threatening the magician by withholding his toys. Nice Santa, real nice.

I believe if I lived in this town I would have seen this, and taken frosty to some part of town inside a warm building. I would sing Christmas carols to him as I looked into his coal eyes. I would do this as I watched him melt. After he was gone, I would bottle him up in gallon size jugs of water and take them to my home. I would wait, and after eating a big hearty Christmas dinner, I would use those jugs to fill the tank of my toilet. I would use his remains to flush with, thereby sending him where he could spend eternity with pieces of shit, such as him.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome. Oh, and have a Merry Christmas

I would like to thank my new friend Niki, for the inspiration for writing this story. she just made her first post and you can read it here. but first things first, sign up for future stories below.

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26 thoughts on “Frosty the Snowman, You Are Gonna Love Hell!

  1. xtrememom

    You’re observations are right on. This is a creepy story at best. One can only assume the writers were former flower children of the 60’s who were in the peak of experiencing some grOoovy flashbacks. This would make more sense than the story itself.
    I’d like to see a revision where Frosty actually has a brain and somebody kicks the magicians miserable ass. That would be a definite improvement.

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    1. @iamtomnardone Post author

      Thank you Gina,
      I will work on this story for next year. I am thinking about a project for this year. I will revisit all of the Christmas stories and set them on a post timer for Christmas 2014.

      You have been such an inspiration to me this year and i could not be happier having you read me. Thanks for all you have done and continue to. You are without a doubt an extreme mom, but you are far more than that. You are an extreme writer and an extreme friend. Thanks for being there.

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      1. xtrememom

        Thank you for the kind words Tom. I thoroughly enjoy reading your stories and can’t wait to read the revised Christmas series.

        I feel fortunate to have stumbled upon your blog and glad that we’ve became fast friends. You’re truly a breath of fresh air.

        I look forward to your continued awesomeness in 2014. Rock on sir!!

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    1. @iamtomnardone Post author

      I laughed so hard when I read you comment Val. I have gotten some “it was funny but it wasn’t Rudolph” comments. I tend to agree. I am so thrilled you loved it. Thanks so much Val.

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  2. TIA

    Beautiful piece Tom… and so full of Christmas spirit! Ive never considered all that, and when you tore it all down like that, all the blood drained from my body, and I became ill! I sing this song proudly every year with my children, and sometimes play the guitar along with it!!! What have I done?????? 🙂

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    1. @iamtomnardone Post author

      Get out your guitar and sing about that fatass snowy bastard. I honestly have a problem with the rudolph story but this was a reach and i am glad you saw the fun in it. Did not know you played my wife and i also do.

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  3. papillonkissed

    First of all Mr. Nardtwo, Frosty was obviously a simpleton, totally ignorant to the ways, rights and wrongs of this world. He’d just been born for Pete’s sake! That’s why he was saying “Happy Birthday!” So to hold him responsible for his crimes is simply ludicrous! I suppose you think infants should be arrested for being born naked! Furthermore, he wasn’t naked! He was wearing a SNOWSUIT! DUH!!! And though he did APPEAR naked, did anyone offer him any clothing? NO! All he ever ended up with was that hat! So yes, I’m sure he hung onto it like his LIFE DEPENDED ON IT! Oh wait, it DID!

    p}!{k

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  4. Jade Reyner

    I have to confess to never having seen this, however as far as television reviews go, this is pretty damning. Can I suggest that you refrain from commenting on such programmes as this in the future. Even though he is made of snow, I am sure that Frosty has a heart in there somewhere. If you persist in persecuting him, you may find yourself exiled to the North Pole to live in an igloo. And as far as I am aware, they do not have coffee machines in igloos! 😀

    Ha ha – good one Tom! As ever.. 😉

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  5. bossymoksie

    “That is correct, the biggest asshole of them all. Santa Clause.”
    Hahahahahahahaha.
    You have once again pointed out how nonsensical and dumb these ‘spirit of Christmas’ movies for the kiddies are.

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      1. nikaaaaah

        Lol! Sorry you had to suffer through watching it, Tom! Loved your “Frosty” review, though! 🙂 Thanks for the props and ty for sharing the link to my new blog! Gracious, sir!

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      1. ksbeth

        Heat Miser is a character from the Rankin/Bass 1974 children’s television special The Year Without a Santa Claus. He is an ogre or demon-like being who controls all warm weather all over the world. His nemesis is his half-brother Snow Miser. Mother Nature herself is their mother. As he sings in his memorable ragtime song, the “Heat Miser” song (“Whatever I touch, starts to melt in my clutch”), he can melt objects with a touch. Even flammable objects, such as a shovel’s wooden handle, melt in his hand, rather than combust. Unlike Snow Miser, there is no evidence he can restore objects he melts as Snow Miser can with objects he turns to snow. His heat abilities include bolts, beams, balls of lava and spitting fire. He can also project intense heat from his hands or mouth to form objects of flame that can endure independently for a few seconds. While grumpy, hot-tempered and bitter over his belief that Santa Claus is unfair to him, giving Snow Miser free publicity while he gets none, and that Mother Nature likes Snow Miser better, he is not an evil being.
        He lives in a volcano with miniature clones of himself. Heat Miser was voiced by character actor George S. Irving in the original special. In the 2006 NBC live-action remake, he is played by actor Harvey Fierstein. In this depiction, he wears a Hawaiian-style shirt, and his underlings are replaced by women in bikinis, rather than the Mini Misers. They also operate his over-sized slingshot to launch fireballs in his feud with Snow Miser.

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  6. cwmccoy126

    Frosty had it coming from the minute he stole that dude’s hat… I mean everyone knows you don’t mess with a bro’s hat. He’s cold as ice! Lol

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