My Life is Full of Clutter| Get That Table Out of My Sight!

by Tom Nardone

by Tom Nardone

For the past six or seven months, my man-cave has been in disarray. This is where I spend the majority of my time alone, and it has slowly evolved into a disaster area. I had gotten used to it and it really did not bother me. However, last night, it did begin to bother me. I was unable to talk myself out of allowing it to just continue.

When I woke up this morning, I made a pot
of coffee, took my meds with the first cup, and went back upstairs to see what would happen. I don’t ever set goals for myself because they can lead to disappointment. I just, …see what happens.


Seven hours later, my room is perfect, and I made some changes I think will prevent it from getting dirty again so quickly. While I was trying to convince myself, not to bother with it, I did several walkthroughs. I noticed every item in my room, not in its place, had one thing in common. Every item was sitting on a horizontal surface.

The place where most of the debris seemed to collect was, of course, on the largest horizontal surface in my room. I had a full sized dining room table in my man-cave. My original thought was to use it as a desk. I asked myself, how my life would change, if this table were gone. I looked at everything on top of it, and determined I might have just put these items where they belonged, if the table were not there. With that, I got rid of the table. By got rid of the table, I mean I took it out of my room and put it somewhere else in the house. When my wife finds it, and then when she quits yelling, I will ask her for a suggestion.

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Inasmuch as I love an empty horizontal surface, horizontal surfaces are to me, the enablers of clutter. Whenever I get home, I go upstairs to my man-cave. If I bring anything home, I will have to put it somewhere. I don’t always want to put things where they belong. If I come home with a brand new video game I am pretty excited. Perhaps I stayed up, and waited in line until midnight, with the other kids, to get this game at the exact moment it was available. I usually will take this day off from work, and set it aside to play it nonstop on both of my off days.

This is a big deal, and I don’t want to throw the game wrapper and the bag away because the trash can is three feet across the room. The reason I don’t have to do this is because there was this big table with nothing on it right in front of me. That garbage can will have to either wait or it can just go to Hell. I have the new Call of Duty game and it is time to kill zombies.

When I wish to put anything down, horizontal surfaces speak to me. My table would say, “Tom, why don’t you just let me hold that for you? You need to get started on your game so you will be ready for those little kids online. How do you expect outplay those children if you’re wasting time with trash?” I have to say, the table makes a good point.

It always makes sense to put something on a horizontal surface. Here is why. A table is going to be empty, or it is going to have crap all over it. If it is empty, that is great! It is a table it has a big flat surface so things can be placed on it. It is the purpose for which I have a table in my room. On the other hand, if the table already has crap all over it, this is also great. I mean as long as there are five soda cans, a bowl with dried out chili stuck to it, and a half-eaten peanut butter sandwich on top of it, what possible difference is this stupid plastic bag and a handful of cellophane going to matter.

It is therefore, always the right time to place debris on any horizontal surface. Perhaps from now on, I will spell it “Whore-izontal Surfaces” They are always willing for anything to just lay right on top of them. They attract all the garbage and refuse nobody wants to deal with, and the more they are used, the less appealing they are.


After cleaning my room, I came downstairs and began looking around the living room and I saw the same problem. Clutter loves whoreizontal surfaces. In our home, we have baskets all over the place. My wife has a good eye for what looks good and where, but even if a basket is placed somewhere for something specific, other things are sure to find their way into it eventually.

Downstairs there are a number of debris magnets, but the dining room table is king. This is where all refuse will ultimately find rest. I have seen each of us de-clutter one part of the den only to re-clutter the dining room table. I cannot fix the living room problems as my authority in my house is limited to the confines of my man-cave. I am fine with this arrangement, because dirty or clean I have a kickass man-cave.

I will continue to get rid of the horizontal surfaces in my man-cave, as there are some left. They are the enablers of a clutter free, and clean room. I will no longer succumb to their influence. I will remove them from my life, and I will not be a victim of their enabling spells of a temporary convenience they cast upon me without remorse or fear. There days of easy marks are over. A new day has come.

When you “JUST SAY NO” to whoreizontal surfaces, then the only place you can put anything, is where it belongs.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

OH! Attention Smart-Asses!

I am sure at least one of you sons of bitches saw a horizontal surface in the pictures and you cant wait to tell me about it. News flash assholes I live in here so don’t turn this story into you backward ass version of “Where’s Waldo”!

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26 thoughts on “My Life is Full of Clutter| Get That Table Out of My Sight!

  1. thefemmeaddon

    So so clever! I look around and I see…lots of clutter. Where? On horizontal surfaces!!! That’s it!:)
    And actually now that you mentioned it: seems like my table is telling/ suggesting me the exact same thing! Ahhhh…good you told me, now I can hear that. Love that part about the table a lot!lol
    But I must say I envy you a bit: Places where things belong? Well seems I have too many things, too little furniture or whatsoever…I make a place then it’s full….or I forget where that place was? or there is no place at all….
    Wonderful post …I am still thinking how to construct non-horizontal floors…. 😉


    1. @iamtomnardone Post author

      HAHA let me know how your boilding plans come out. I am thrilled you are reading me. Hey how goes the site traffic today. I know you have comments on the page i shared your story to.


      1. thefemmeaddon

        Thank You for sharing my story!And yeah traffic is alot today. 🙂
        I am hell curious about the comments, they are none on my blog. Is that site you shared my story a private/ secret one, or would you like to tell me where it is, so I can read the comments?

        About the construction from the floors….there are many aspects to think about:it should be still comfortable to walk on and sit, not hard on knees and back, for ex.
        Then of course it should look great and it must be so slant, that things couldnt sit there nor must things slide down and clutter at the end of the floor… you see I am still thinking about it and I will tell you , as soon as I come up with a solution. 😉


  2. TIA

    Can you really rid of everything horizontal? The floor….The video game box….. and where will you place your drink while playing the video games? 🙂


    1. @iamtomnardone Post author

      I have temporary surface like a foot stool for drinks. The floor I am not expecting to be a problem. So far so good. I have not been gaming much since I beat assassins creed though. I believe I won’t be interested for a while. I have to get my book ready for the press.


  3. Claire

    You have just confirmed my suspicions regarding my 8 year old ADHD son. His bedroom and any room in our flat looks like a crime zone. If I blitz the flat and make it spotless, all the horizontal surfaces are covered within 5 minutes and that includes the floor! I have often wondered if it was due to his ADHD and now I am positive it is. Just wish I could help him he is totally unable to put things away. Thanks I enjoyed reading your blog. 😄


  4. cwmccoy126

    Guess the iamtomnardone Research & Development team finally discover a new “Nardone’s Law” and offered a solution to the problem. Those guys need a raise lol


  5. papillonkissed

    You’re full of crap Tom Tom! You can’t get rid of the floor! I have 2 shelves in my living room. The TV sits on one and the other appliances on the other. besides the furniture, these are the only horizontal surfaces in my living room. Crap is still everywhere!!!! How can this be? I have no shelves, no coffee table… THE FLOOR! HELLO!!!



      1. Yvonne Nardone

        PK is right your floor was just as bad as the table. I am always picking shit off the floor when you open packages down stairs. You need to deal with the table we have company coming over. the clutter is from your behavior not the surfaces. Use your trash can and use your two walk in closets to organize your stuff. Just dont be so half assed about the way you conduct yourself;.
        consider parade rained on. The room does look awesome now so keep up the good work. I love you no matter how sloppy you are but I like the clean Tom best.




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