Don’t Pick a Fight With Your Body, It Will Kick Your ASS!!

Tom Nardone

by Tom Nardone

My normal routine on my days off, while for me, are thrilling, would not be considered exciting to most. I wake up drink a pot of coffee as I sit on my ass in my favorite chair. While I am sitting, I will either write a story or catch up on some of my email, responding to comment, or if I am really motivated, my reading. When it gets late, I will go upstairs and either play Xbox or go to bed. Last week, wife felt the need to disrupt this.


My wife Yvonne got this Idea from my son Brett. He heard about a place called “Gravatopia” it is a trampoline park. Yvonne immediately went to you tube and began he research. She thought it was the coolest thing she ever saw, and decided that something this amazing, would not go unnoticed by the two of us. This turned into that which I fear the most: A planned day.

She was not interested in hearing me bitch about the inconvenience of getting out of my chair, or how I was working on a time sensitive story that must be completed today, so she preemptively began to chum the waters. She thought she would entice me with the promises of us going out to buy an expensive electronic item for me after it was finished. This was not necessary. Lately I have not seen Yvonne this excited as her mother is ill. I did not even hesitate. I was actually looking forward to it, once I accepted that she was serious.

Now, I am a little overweight. I am five feet eight inches tall. Six months ago, I weighed in at Two hundred and sixty one pounds, but thanks to the Adderall diet program, I am currently at Two hundred and fifteen pounds and falling. While I am well on my way to becoming a sex symbol in the blogging community, there are other things at play; things which I was not aware

Seeing is not believing. Others might have you believe this. My weight was easy to see and understand. I am 42 years old. I know how to count and I have known since the 6th of May of this year that I am 42. I just didn’t know what that meant. Gravitopia would quickly show me exactly what being an out of shape 42-year-old man means.

tom-nardone-3We got there and there were many kids and young people. They were running around having a great time. The place is the ultimate playground. It is wall-to-wall trampoline. They had a basketball pit where you jump up and slam dunk the ball. There are places where you can jump into Lakes of foam rubber. There is even a dodge ball room, where you jump around and throw the ball at the other kids. They layout is brilliant. This place is amazing.

I have to say that I was excited. We got to the window and signed the waiver. I couldn’t wait to get started. I got out there and I didn’t know what to do first. I just started jumping. It was so much fun until around the fifth jump. My body began to malfunction as a salty discharge began to permeate my skin. This was something I remembered as a kid when I would run around outside. I think it was called sweat. It kept coming and it wouldn’t stop. My body was trying to tell me something very important and I chose not to listen. I just shrugged it off, and kept on going.

Yvonne jumped first. She couldn’t wait to jump into the pit of foam. She did hesitate but she then she did it. She had a little trouble getting out. I jumped in after her being the badass that I am. We got her out then I managed to get out with much difficulty. I was breathing so hard. My body was starving for oxygen but I did not listen, and just kept on going.

We jumped some more in the main area of the park, and all this came to pass we were completely jumped out, which is understandable, since we had been there for 20 minutes. At that moment, we both knew that the day was over. We looked at each other without a word, it was that clear.

When we got into the car, we were both completely shit-canned. As we closed the car doors, Yvonne commented, “I feel just like a felt when I got into a car accident” I have never been in an accident myself, but her explanation just seemed accurate somehow.

I discovered something amazing that day. I learned that I do not move very fast anymore. I think the single word that might best describe my physical condition would be “Atrophy”. It never occurred to me that my body would be so unhappy with my decision to force it to move against its will. It never occurred to me that my body would inflict its wrath upon me in the way that it would. When we got home, my body had a few things to say to me,

 “Well Tom! So you want to change the rules? is that it, you son of a bitch? You have let me lie around all this time expecting absolutely nothing from me for years. Then you want to take me to #Gravitopia and treat me like some kind of a recreational vehicle for the purpose of your amusement. Standby Tom Nardone, you will receive an assholes reward for this shit.”

People don’t like to get old, but it doesn’t bother me a bit. I welcomed my 30th and 40th birthday. I will welcome my 50th. I am curious what i will be doing and how. The coolest think about getting old is having an excuse not to move. I mean there is no comeback for that one. “HEY! I am old!” “Oh sorry”  (Ya see!)

I suppose I cannot argue. I had it coming. I received just that. I was so sore I went up the steps one at a time that day. I felt almost paralyzed.

tom-nardone-yvonne-2I am still glad I went. I had a good time acting like a child with Yvonne. It was really great that we went out and did something; for a change. Seeing my wife laughing in that pit of foam, helpless and loving it was worth all the sore muscles and bones that I took back from that place. It is a memory that we can share and laugh about for many years to come. I even took her out to eat afterwards.

I think about what might have happened if we just stayed home on our laptops all day. Nothing would have happened. I am glad we didn’t do nothing. I am not saying I am turning over a new leaf, but maybe i will be trying new things more often.

life is what that happens when you get off the couch.”

In the end, we have our stories. This one is ours.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

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25 thoughts on “Don’t Pick a Fight With Your Body, It Will Kick Your ASS!!

  1. Pingback: The Conclusion of Nardone v/s Nardone | The Jury is In! | I AM TOM NARDONE

  2. TIA

    I love this story, because I have frequented a place just like this around here called sky zone! I love it! I can’t move for days, and I generally pee myself a little, but I never stop jumping! I claim to be taking my kids, but I never know where my kids are! I believe that if there was one closer to me….I would get a membership! I’m glad you two had fun:)


  3. ksbeth

    this is a stunning event tomandyvonnenardone. yvonne must have magical powers to get tomnardone out of his chair, and what a great thing this was. memories forever and muscles be damned!


    1. Tom Nardone Post author

      Thank You AJ. It is sort of like bad car wreck syndrome. You dont really want to see it, but for some unknown reason you have to look. Thanks so much lady.


  4. Gray Dawster

    Sit back; this could be a long comment. Okay good, now let me get one thing straight Tom, did you really think that this was a one-off pleasure trip? Oh no, I figure that Yvonne has a set of new goals set out for you, and being a young forty two year old man your driving force will be strengthened, oh yes hook or by crook it will be. For instance did you really believe that the foam pit was just for some innocent playtime enjoyment?

    Unfortunately it was a means to grab your energy levels and calculate your abilities to comprehend a world of pain, not in the sense that you will be feeling it every time you jump into your pit of wickedness, nooo this is not a bedroom scenario, this is a different exercise and you need to get fitter if you want to become blogging-handsome, a term often applied to good looking but out of practice males with Couch Potato Syndrome, a common trait by men in their early forties.

    At fifty you will more than likely experience the dreaded aches of the knees and an urge to fart more often than normal, this is categorised as Blowing It Out of the Ass in some parts of the USA but for a balanced European programme your outlook will improve with a few slices of burnt toast and a good old jog around Portland, Chicago or Mississippi, take your pick but it is a thirty mile jog to start with as we don’t want you to encounter any resistance to exercising.

    Okay I will leave this one for the moment and let you get used to the idea, after all Yvonne is such a lovely wife to you and we can’t have you sitting, I mean slouching in your chair playing with yourself, I mean playing with your Xbox, there are foam pits, cycling tracks, parachuting, bungee jumping, paintballing, naked skateboarding, and monkey frames to discover yet and you are enrolled into every programme know to woman, it is a way of conditioning the mindset, kick starting the metabolism and refreshing all the other parts that Carlsberg couldn’t reach. It is a new Tom Nardone waiting to be discovered but before you start sweating just think of all the benefits, all the fun, all the pleasures of the pit. It is all coming your way soon Tom so enjoy.

    Sorry for my lengthy comment Tom but at
    least you know what to expect in the future 🙂 lol



    1. Tom Nardone Post author

      Andro your comments as always were thorough, thoughtful, and appreciated. I took a lot from your words and i usually read your comments first. This time i saved them for last and i did sit back as per your instructions. I wish you could have seen the smile on my face sir. Thank you my friend.


  5. Dawn Smith

    Well its 5:45 in the morning and I’m laughing my ass off ! Nothing is that funny this early So Thank you as always for the entertainment !!


    1. Tom Nardone Post author

      Dawn, thanks so much, It thrills me to know that you were laughing that early in the morning. I am happy to occupy and take over your thoughts to give you a moment of laughter on the way to work which is usually for so many, a time reserved for crying as they head into work.


  6. Sherry Costenbader Walker

    Oh how very true….it sucks getting old! Very funny story!! Laughed like the crazy woman I am—-I can’t wait until one of those places open in my city. I might last 10 minutes, but just think of the fun my son will have laughing at me.


  7. The Real Dave

    My sympathies. Many times my 25yo brain refuses to accept the fact that the body is 45 and forces it beyond it’s limits. Easy to do when your 4yo kid, nephews and nieces, and kids at church mistake you for an ambulatory jungle gym. My last harsh reminder of my age came two years ago when I wrenched my back goofing off with a nephew. Bad enough that getting out of bed the rest of the week would bring tears to my eyes, the pain was that bad.

    But that sounds like a really fun outing you had. No doubt if I find anything like that here in town I’ll be the first to go. And the last to leave, likely on a stretcher.




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