There was a time when I used to watch football. I stopped watching for a host of reasons. Mainly it was the absolute never-ending whining and crying about money. I have outlined some changes that will make this game far less annoying to us all. I think that if these plans are implemented, It might even save this game from itself.
Most people, who enjoy football, will admit that they could do without hearing all the whining. I myself find it difficult to listen to any whining, crying, candy-ass, sissy who is paid to play a game. The irony is not lost on me; I am whining about other people who whine. I would ask that you set that aside and hear me out. I have often told you of the things I don’t like or disagree with but what makes this special, is that, this time I have a solution. I would ask that as you read this that you “stay with me.” I will map out everything for you.
First things first; Fire all the current players. No negotiating or counter-offers they are all now officially shit-canned from the roster; yanked, just like a Band-Aide, quick, clean and painless. Then all the cities that currently have a football team will run an ad in their local newspaper announcing that the NFL is now hiring. There is now no need for a college draft pick. If they want to apply for a job as a football player, they can tryout like everyone else. The NFL will not discriminate against college graduates. The ad will read something like this. (We will pick my home city of Atlanta for this example.)
The Atlanta Falcons will be conducting tryouts over the next four Saturdays. We are building a new team. Your glory days could once again be a reality. We will be hiring for all positions, Offence and Defense. All applicants must have been a resident of the state of GA for the last 3 years, and 18 years old with no criminal record.
Pay is $100,000 a year
NOW! STAY WITH ME!!
Yes, tryouts will be open to everyone. I know what you might me thinking, and you are correct. Ray Louis would not play for a petty $100k a year, after making the money he made last year. You are correct. He would not because the ad specifically states that you cannot have a criminal record. Sorry Ray, there is always barber college.
Yes. There will be many ex-players, who aren’t happy with their pay. So what, what are they gonna go do, work at The Home Depot? Hell no they won’t! Home Depot is not even hiring full time, and you have to be there a long time until you start making 100k a year. If any ex NFL players are willing to accept a meager and insulting 100k a year, and have no criminal record (I’m sure there are a few)? They can tryout.
Our economy is in the toilet, so out of the woodwork will come the biggest, toughest, most bloodthirsty sons of bitches, who have ever gotten their teeth kicked in by “Cooperate America” They will have no expectation of pampering. They will not expect anyone to grovel on the ground in their presence. What they will do, is everything they are told to do. They will show up every day for games and practice because that is just what an employee does.
Now, tryouts are over and we have our new teams. Now it is contract day. All the teams, coaches and owners will be flown out to Lambeau Field for contract signing. They will also hear the terms of their employment. The terms are as follows:
- No trading players
If you don’t like your job, quit it, and tryout for another team. Pick the team you like, and move to their city. You need only live there for 3 short years. Then and only then will you eligible.
- No Endorsements
Tough Shit! Let Campbell’s Soup get somebody else to sell their Chunky Soup. If a player would like to sell soup or soft drinks, they can quit the NFL, and go do that. However, if they are hell-bent on selling drinks or snacks they can apply for a position in one of their stadiums concession stands.
- You are paid to PLAY football
Players who play football are paid to play football. Playing football is their job. If they don’t do their job, they don’t get their pay. Enough said.
- No criminal activity
If any players should find themselves, on TV being arrested, we suggest they say “Hi” to their mother because it will be their last TV appearance as a member of the NFL.
- No Interviews
Football player is their job title. People do not have a portal through which to learn about the guy working at Wendy’s who made their hamburger, and yet, they still enjoy hamburgers. People will not stop liking football, because they don’t know about the life of the guy whose job it is to kick field goals or make touchdowns.
That covers the players, but how will this affect the fans? It will not affect them at all. I will tell you the truth about all sports fans. Sports fans, by and large, don’t even realize this. Sports fans are not fans of any team. They don’t give a shit about the teams. The only thing sports fans give a shit about are the uniforms. It is never the same team from one year to the next. Players quit, get hurt, get traded, retire, and of course, arrested. Nobody that plays football has any loyalty anymore. There are no more Walter Paytons’ out there. If you disagree, then you do the research. See if you can find out, and tell me, what the 2003 Atlanta Falcons have in common with the 2013 Atlanta Falcons. The answer is the bird on their helmet and thousands of fans that have always, and will always support them, regardless of who wears the uniforms that they love so much.
At first, the fans will not like it, but only for the briefest of moments. They will come around. You don’t really think that they are going to sit around all day Sunday in front their giant HDTV sets in surround sound while drinking Bud Light, and eating Doritos, while they watch The 700 Club or a bunch of infomercials about weight loss products. Do you? There is not a chance in Hell that will happen! They will grin and bear it, and they will eventually love it.
Lastly, what about the sponsors? Well what about the damn sponsors? Yah, I guess with none of the football players doing endorsements they are in a dilemma. Except that they are not in a dilemma at all. If there is one thing that Nike, Anheuser Busch, Coke, Pepsi, or Frito Lay have ever done well, it is finding new and innovative places to smear their logo feces all over the world. They will figure it out. They never had anything to do with football anyway, except of course interrupting gameplay with their ridiculous messages. I mention them simply as a courtesy.
…and now…..finally…….it is here. It is GAMEDAY! As the networks cut away from the talking heads speculation frenzy, it is now time to introduce the players for the first time to the world, but it will be different.
No Player will enter the field as a prima donna who has been pampered their whole life. No player will enter as seasoned veteran expecting the crowd to love them, in spite of all their illicit activities during the post season. No player will stand before millions, with the assurance that it does not matter if they play or not because the fan revenue will pad their bank account regardless of their performance. So then, who will enter?
Gladiators will enter. They will storm out onto the field not to play, but to do combat. They will fight to the end for every yard and every inch. For at that moment, the ground beneath their feet, will become sacred ground that they will water with tears and blood of their enemy. It shall be a field of battle that they will fight upon for the privilege of being there. Fear of an uncertain future they once knew, will fuel the rage that will fry through their veins until the final seconds of every game they ever play. On the same field where sissies whined, Men are now forged.
Are you ready for some football?
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