As some of you know, my wife and I have recently said goodbye to cable TV. This has left us with limited choices in terms of A/V entertainment. By limited, I mean Netflix. I have not been affected too severely, since the only show I watch is “Archer”. The rest of my family has needs that are not being met.
I really hate it when Yvonne says “Hey honey! Let’s watch a movie on Netflix tonight!” Don’t get me wrong. I love my wife, and I love spending time with her. However, us watching a movie on Netflix does not consist of us watching a movie on Netflix. It is something entirely different. Both of us are as ADD as Hell, and it usually goes like this.
We begin by queuing up the movies. Yvonne and I have standards for the movies we watch. There is one requirement that both of us have before it is even considered. The movie must be rated R. No PG, no PG-13, it must be rated R. If it is not rated r, then both of us know that the movie will only be a watered down version of what it could have been. We feel if the director had cared, enough about (his viewers they ) DECIDE ON THEIR OR HE. BE CONSISTENT would have included the right swear words and graphic violence that make a movie enjoyable for the whole family.
We will begin scrolling through the entire menu, from A to Z. We will stop here and there to watch a preview. This part of the process is much like the old TV program called “The Gong Show” As the preview starts we watch it intently. As the preview is rolling, if either of us sees a red flag, we say, “VETO”. That means stop the preview, and continue scrolling.
Yvonne will immediately veto a movie for the following reasons: creepy/evil children, the lighting in the movie is too dark, or movies about vampires, werewolves, zombies or Satan.
I will Veto any movie that has two people who are obviously going to fall in love. I will veto any movie that has Barbra Streisand, Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, Ben Aflac, Ben Stiller or Jason Statham. I will also under no circumstances watch any tear-jerking sports movies. Yvonne will not usually enter my man cave because according to her, it is “gross in there”; therefore, we have to watch the “together” movies in the family room where we have only a modest entertainment system. Because of this, I automatically veto any movie I think should be viewed in High-Def or in 5.1 Surround.
This usually takes about an hour, and it is not even over yet. At this point, we will get up and take our bathroom breaks, get something to drink, and maybe pop some more popcorn.
Now an hour has passed, and we have gone through every movie that Netflix has to offer, and determined that they are all shit. Then Yvonne wants to go to the documentaries. She loves them. I have only one rule about documentaries. “Is this a documentary of a rock band?” If not, veto. Then it is on to TV series.
By this time, we have spent about two and a half hours together. We have walked through the muck and the mire that Hollywood has placed before us. We have taken an extensive in-depth tour at “The Museum of Shit-Box Entertainment”. We spent two and a half hours of our lives identifying all the programs that we never want to see. I have to be honest with you; I would not trade a minute of it.
I know that some of you would feel that this process would be like being beaten over the head with a bag of oranges however, it is not. During those two hours, we laughed, talked, asked questions, made comments, talked about the good or bad movies we saw together and apart. We talk of the times in our lives when we saw the older movies with our parents. Yvonne and I interacted and communicated and did not even realize or care where the time went. When we realized what time it was, we laughed about that. I then got up, kissed her, said goodnight, and went upstairs to play with my toys.
Yvonne and I spend some good quality time together. How tragic would it have been to find a movie that we both liked?
I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome
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- Netflix is secretly cropping your movies (bazaardaily.com)
- What Netflix’s new profile and queue features mean for you (o.canada.com)