Attention Assholes, Please Don’t Masquerade As Decent People.

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by Tom Nardone

This was a memorable Christmas eve for one asshole

Sometimes, around the holidays, you will hear people give a hollow showing of empathy towards those of us poor downtrodden assholes who are not fortunate enough to be off for the holidays. I know and appreciate that there are those who truly do feel for all of us, and think it a poor decision that we are made to work. There are also those that only pretend to feel that way. They cast there horseshit out to represent themselves so that the world will believe they give a shit. We have a word for these people. That word is “Asshole”. I am Tom Nardone, and I have taken on the burden to educate these people.

This past Christmas Eve, I was at the local Publix, getting some things that my wife said we could not do without. I gathered my things and then proceeded to the checkout line. There was a lady in front of me. She was buying several bottles of wine, some beer, a couple of those lunch meat platters, and a bunch of other things you would buy when you have a lot of company over. She seemed to be a very well off or like some lady who had never worked a day in her life. While we were in line I noticed the checkout guy had a wedding ring. I remember thinking “man he’s probably got a family that would rather have him at home.” I had just gotten off work so I guess that is how I justified my presence there.

Someone left and then it was the rich lady’s turn to load her items on the conveyer.  When she finished loading, she looked at this young man and said, in a very southern accent “I swear, I just cannot believe that they make you people come in and work today of all days.”

WHAT?

*****CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC*****

I am Tom Nardone. A decision to, do the right thing or to do nothing, has been placed before me. Should I let this person wander the earth being so consumed by her empty life that she is completely unaware of the fact that words have meaning? Can I in good conscience let her think that this kind of shit is acceptable to the good people of this country? Could I just stand there and let this poor bastard who needs his job too much to risk it by explaining shit to this idiot?  That would be No No and No. I will always answer a call for help because I have to wake up tomorrow and live with my decision. I am Tom Nardone and it is time to put the “AWE” in AWESOME.

*****CUE HEROIC MUSIC*****publix-super

I said to this lady, in a very calm and unthreatening tone of voice,

“Well ma’am, the reason they are open today is because people like you, are entertaining a bunch of winos who care more about guzzling down their white zinfandel, and getting blitzed than they do about a working man who is away from his family on Christmas Eve.” She said “Excuse me sir!!” I said “Yes Ma’am, you see, your presence in here today is creating a market, and an incentive for this store to be open. That is why you are able to come in here and buy more liquor to help your family get tanked on this most blessed day.” She said” My friends are not winos and who are you to talk to me like that. You are right behind me shopping today just like I am.” I said “Yes, but the difference is that I am not suppressing my guilt by offering a hollow apology to someone just because I believe they lack the intelligence to see through it. Do you really think this guy believes you think it is wrong for him to work today when you are in here having he ring you up?” She said “you better leave me alone!”

I did not say another word.

I don’t normally get involved in arguments with perfect strangers, particularly women. I afford them the highest respect. I was motivated to do it, because the poor bastard at the checkout register wanted to do it but couldn’t. When she left, the people behind me started laughing. The register guy was laughing, and of course so was I. I know I made what could have been a pretty simple event for this lady, turn into a very difficult one. I was not concerned about the inconvenience, or problems I gave this moron. I focused on all the laughs I gave a checkout guy who had to work on Christmas Eve. I hope when he got home and his wife asked him. ”Hey honey, how work was today?” I hope he said to her “Babe I missed you and the kids, but it was worth it. This this lady in my line said……”

The point is this. In the United States of America, Canada, England, and many other fine countries, it is your right to be an asshole. There are no asshole laws that I am aware of. This was not about “The Law” this was about right and wrong. Our forefathers died fighting for your right to be an asshole. That is your right. You should not be at all ashamed of it. Embrace that freedom, for it has been bestowed upon you.

I am not saying that it is right or wrong to shop on a holiday. If you are the person who would go all day without something you needed because it is a holiday, and you don’t want to be the one who is creating a marketplace for stores to stay open, then great. You are truly a person that lives what you believe. If you are a person who doesn’t care about anything except yourself, or whether a store is open or not, regardless of the day, then that is great too.

If you are going to be an asshole, then be one, but please don’t masquerade as a person who genuinely gives a shit. No one believes you when you empathize with them for their discomfort, while you are the one standing behind them drilling them in the ass.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

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13 thoughts on “Attention Assholes, Please Don’t Masquerade As Decent People.

  1. mollytopia

    That is awesome – good for you and for him! And yes, if you’re gonna be an asshole, just go ahead and commit to that and keep it moving. Excellent post : )

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  2. lesliewolman

    Tom I have several responses to this. I am glad you can speak your feelings as you wish. I think the lady should be allowed the same as well without being called out for it. You made some assumptions about her which may or may not be true. You dont know who she is or where she has been. Perhaps she worked all her life on her holidays and really empathized with the clerk. Perhaps this was a first time she could afford a party with friends and not work. Maybe she toiled all her life and this was HER moment. You just dont know but you acted on your feelings without checking the facts out.

    Also Tom, Christmas isnt a holiday for everyone in the United States. The store could be open for those who do not celebrate the holiday as well. You also assumed the clerk celebrated Christmas before finding out the facts. He may have represented another faith and volunteered to work on that day in order for someone to be home with their family. The real insult would have been to assume he was Christian and not another doing a kind act.

    You make too many assumptions about the whole scenario and insulted this woman. Calling her friends winos and degrading her in public was uncalled for. You may be angry by her apparent wealth but you dont have the information on what she had to do to get there or if she was even wealthy at all. You just dont. Making assumptions about other people is dangerous.

    I understand that you were trying to come from a place of kindness by defending the clerk. Was there another way to do it than embarrassing this older woman in public?

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    1. Tom Nardone Post author

      While you are correct that all of my words were based on an assumptions, There are certain things that were irrefutable. She was clearly entertaining and it was Christmas Eve. Why would any other faith be having a big get together on a weeknight if it weren’t for Christmas? Why would she think it was wrong for him to work if she was not of the Christian faith. She assumed he was a Christian in her empty apology by saying it was awful for him to have to work that night.

      She was a Christian

      She was not poor. She was not only dressed to the nines, but she was at Publix. There was a bi-lo, a Piggly Wiggly, and a sav a lot in the area. Poor people do not shop at publix. She was very well off.

      She was not poor.

      I will admit that calling her guests winos perhaps was not necessary and it was insulting to be honest. It was wrong for me to say that.

      The truth about the whole scenario is that NONE of this matters. The point is that she WAS responsible for this man having to work that night. If she truly felt that it was wrong for him to work she would not have been there. She stood there, being the beneficiary of his unfair treatment, while protesting it at the same time. She was distancing herself from the wrongness that she knew she was doing. It was an attempt to rid herself of the guilt she felt.

      What she did was as silly as a group of 30,000 people standing around as they protest the act of loitering. You cant be the problem and the opposition. She picked the problem group.

      And of course there is the fact that sometimes i am just an asshole

      Thanks for your thoughts Leslie. I think you are awesome. 🙂 🙂

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  3. Valentine Logar

    EGads Tom you are a super hero indeed.

    The man doing the work likely had the best gift of all, you in his checkout line. You are awesome.

    The woman, she likely went home and immediately pulled out her voter registration card to make certain she was still registered as a republican. You just proved to her why the little people (you and I) should never climb above our station. She also very likely complained the entire evening to her wino friends and family about being assaulted in the checkout line, women like that do whine.

    You are awesome for this.

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  4. Jade Reyner

    Another pearl of wisdom Mr Nardone style! Once again you have turned an everyday occurrence on it’s head and evaluated it in your own inimitable style. Enjoyed it very much! 🙂

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  5. ksbeth

    I’m sure you made that guy’s day and he told his family he was lucky to have received a visit from a very brave Christmas elf from the island of misfit toys. What a wonderful gift!

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