The Bodily Function Police

Tom Nardone

People tell me that I sometimes look unhappy or angry about something. They think that I’m not happy. There seems to be no shortage of people in this world that feel the need to alter my mood and/or my actions

I don’t mind if one of my friends say “Hey Tom what’s wrong?”, or “Hey Tom are you alright?” I understand that they love me, and they want to see me happy. What I do mind is when people, friend or otherwise, simply tell me; “Smile!”, “cheer up!”, “it’s not that bad.”, or “how come you never smile?” That is what really gives me the red ass

This girl started at work a while back. She is a complete ditz that has been trading on her looks all her life. All of the guys at work are all (gaga) for her. I, on the other hand, am not. I do not give a shit what she looks like. I have nothing but contempt for such people. For days every time I would walk by her, she would tell me to smile, and for days I just let it go.


She made the mistake of telling me, in her ditzy sweet voice, to smile one time too many. I felt it was time for this bullshit conversation to come to a conclusion.

Officer Ditz; Hey, why don’t you ever smile?”

Tom Nardone; This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I looked out the window, and watched my son, who was waiting for the school bus, pick up a stray puppy by it’s neck and stare into its’ eyes as he squeezed the life from it. So is it OK with you if I don’t smile today?”

Would you like to know what she said? She said the same thing you would say. NOTHING!! That is the only thing anyone says when told a story like that. This was beautiful. She looked at me and nodded her head almost violently, as if she hoped I was finished talking to her. She did not smile herself for the rest of the day.

I was pleased to see that the message got to her. My son did not really do this, but that doesn’t matter. I solved both of our problems. I don’t have to listen to any more of her bullshit, and she will definitely think twice before ever telling me to alter my facial expressions for the rest of our time together. I will be surprised if I ever have to listen to her speak to me again about anything.


I used to have a job where I went in at 4am. One thing that everyone does who gets up that early in the morning is yawn. I don’t know why we yawn. It is just what we do. It is in no way offensive it is not rude. A yawn is one of the few bodily functions that have absolutely no enemies. Everybody loves a good yawn. That is, everyone except this one particular asshole. Just about every damned, morning this redneck, inbred, hillbilly, son of a bitch, would catch me in the act of one of my early morning yawns. He would always say “It’s too early to start that shit”

What the fuck does that even mean? I knew that I would have to help this man too. I was convinced that it was not ever going to end, and I knew that I was unwilling to stop yawning. I felt it was my duty as a caring coworker to help him to stop this douchebaggery that he was hopelessly a prisoner to. This was my solution.

Officer Hillbilly; It’s too early to start that shit”

Tom Nardone; Hey listen I am sorry about the random yawns every morning. It is obvious that you care about me, and you want to be involved with my bodily functions. I would like to extend you an invitation to join me this afternoon for one that I think you will really enjoy. I really think today is the best day for you to see this one, since I ate at El Sombreros last night and ordered the sampler platter. If you are free after lunch, please meet me in the men’s room I usually prefer stall #4. I think this is something you won’t want to miss.

He wasn’t pleased and he did decline my invitation. He never really spoke much to me after that, which to my mind was a huge win win. I wasn’t quite satisfied though. I would come in early and if I did not feel a yawn coming, then I would fake one. You should have seen the confusion on that dumb son of a bitches face.

tom-nardone-5I don’t think it is too much to ask that I be allowed to smile when I am happy, or yawn when I am tired. I will not tolerate assholes who wish to fuck with this. Just so we are clear if you tell me to smile, then yes, that alone, makes you an asshole.

You owe these people shit. Don’t waste your time explaining yourself to them. As fun as it might be, you don’t have to give them an elaborate explanation, like I did. There are other ways to help them. Sometimes just a short “Fuck You” is all it takes to get them on the proper path.

My body is my playground. All the toys and their functions are owned and operated by me, and any other person I grant access to. I decide what the rules are and I decide what toys are available to what person. I share them when, and if I feel like it. If you have a problem with this then you can to your playground.

If, while watching Spartacus, or Game of Thrones, there should be a sex scene and I feel the need to pause the show to take care of a sudden need, then I will do so. Only one person votes and that is me. I always win.

When I conclude my bathroom business, and it is time to do the paper work; I and I alone will make the decision to wipe from front to back or from back to front. It is my ass. It is my choice.

If while I am working outside on a hot July Day, and my ass begins to itch, then fell free to turn your head if you don’t want to watch the show, but this itch is going away right now.tom-nardone-1

I think that is enough examples

It is as if their lives are so empty inside that they must see me smile to fill some void. I am sorry if they have some hidden desire to live vicariously through me. They should go and live an abundant life where all they can seem to do is walk around and smile at every one they see, and when they get that figured out, maybe they will be in a better frame of mind to counsel the rest of the world with our facial expression problems.

These people have a sickness. They have an ailment and I have the cure. It is the only thing that I am aware of that will cures this disease every time it is administered. That is a dose of Tom Nardone. It’s the only thing I carry in my bag.

If I am not smiling, then maybe I am upset. If you are a friend of mine, then I don’t mind you trying to help me or inquire as to what you can do for me. I appreciate that kind of interaction. Sometimes knowing that someone cares is enough. Knowing that you have a friend who is there for you; can make the problem seem like a more fixable circumstance.

No one that gives a shit about you will tell you to be happy. People who do this, are every bit as much an asshole as someone who would fart in a parked car with the windows up.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.
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23 thoughts on “The Bodily Function Police

  1. karen698

    I love this post. The pictures are impeccable, especially the one where the girl is pissed about being asked what is wrong. I may print that one for my fridge for hubby’s quick reference.


  2. Tom Nardone Post author

    Wow Val,
    Thanks for the graphic tooth fantasy. I thought writing about this would make it easier to put up with. It hasn’t. I still cant stand it. What really gives me the red ass is when people that i have discussed this with before do the same shit again. Sometimes Val I hate people, and want them all to go away.


  3. Valentine Logar

    I think I must tweet this out, there are so many assholes who might benefit from your sage advice. No really there might be millions of them. There is nothing I despise more than the twit who tells me to smile, really beatch? What if I don’t want to? What if I would rather kick your teeth down your throat and then tap dance on your belly to insure those teeth of yours slice through your stomach lining?

    That is just a sick fantasy of mine by the way.

    Wonderful as always Tom. You are of course awesome.


  4. Sherry Walker

    This is fantastic!!! You are so talented….is this what you do for a living? If it isn’t, it should be.


  5. portholio

    I just can’t believe that you respond immediately, anytime, day or night. It’s like you are on call for your people 24 hours a day. I hate being on the computer and struggle to check my computer daily.


  6. portholio

    Do you know that everytime i turn my computer on your massive face is the first thing i see? You and yvonne are all we talked about on our weekend away. This one cracks me up. The pain of having to deal with this woman daily must be awful.


    1. Tom Nardone Post author

      Well this person cannot seem to get to work on time so i am sure her days are numbered.

      I am shocked to hear that Yvonne and i have occupied your thoughts so much. I am also flattered i am glad the two of you find us that entertaining. It is always nice to hear compliments like that and I appreciate what you are doing in Australia for me. Thanks for your readership Portholio.


          1. ksbeth

            Just messing with you tomnardone . Funny i just had a conversation with your aussie ambassador with regard to this post and you will be hearing from her tomorrow no doubt. You are becoming a sensation down under, one kangaroo at a time.


  7. mollytopia

    Hilarious! “Sometimes a short “fuck you” is all it takes to get them on the proper path” is one of my all time favorite lines ever written. I tweeted that shit at you, and retweeted this post. Awesome!


  8. Gray Dawster

    This is just side splitting laughter all the way through, I mean it is all a truism facing these knobheads at every juncture, but hey Tom your methods for eradicating them are second to none. For instance your take on the guy sat in the $3,000 dollar Armani suit sporting a dark stain and a stench of a thousand hobos made me laugh out loud, that caption is awesome and perfection for your recollection of the past and present, of which you have met some really dumb assholes that is for sure 🙂 lmao

    The bimbo breed is one that often catches the eye of naughtiness within the workplace, she probably has some enormous boobs and an ass of a Kardashian, or is that a Cardassian? Either way it is exceedingly huge, but she will no doubt get on, yes but get on what I hear you say? Never mind she is doing it already with some of your colleagues, well maybe? 🙂

    Keep scratching that itch Tom, you are absolutely brilliant 🙂 🙂



    1. Tom Nardone Post author

      Andro, Thanks so much for the kind words. And always taking time to leave such a thoughtful comment. Nobody and I mean NOBODY, does that better than you.


      1. Gray Dawster

        I am pleased that I am allowed to add my thoughts my good friend, as lots of times since I started networking I have been shot down for lesser thoughts, I guess that some bloggers just don’t like me very much but guess what? I don’t care 🙂 🙂 lmao

        I have said it before, but your blog stirs the juices of interest with many followers, indeed it is a pleasure to call into your Space and read your words, they are true thoughts written in a jovial manner but with a fine twist of wickedness that I really like 🙂

        Keep up the great work, you Tom are
        unique and I am happy to call you my friend 🙂





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