The Family Outing. Hell Has Relocated!

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By Tom Nardone

Mankind, over the course of thousands of years, has been coming up with new and innovative ways to make life better, or rather, more comfortable. We have gone from caves to tents, to cabins, to houses. If you think about it everything we buy is for the purpose of our survival, protection, comfort, or entertainment. Why in the Hell would we abandon these achievements. ***WARNING, Swear words ahead!***

Camping is among the biggest bunch of bullshit ideas that I have ever heard of. I cannot for the life of me, understand why anyone would find it fun to pack up a bunch of stuff and go live outside without all the things they have worked so hard for, such as; air conditioning, microwave ovens, TV, indoor plumbing, or their computers.

I guess at some point a group of people get together and start making plans for all of them to get together, and do something really special. Then, some asshole says “Yahhhhh hey lets go camping” I will admit that is that it really does sound like a great idea. It sounds like a nice little adventure. It sounds like a nice little change of scenery. Well let me give you some insight.

It Is Not!

I know that I am on record as not being one for the outdoors. I proudly admit to being agoraphobic slave to my chair and my laptop, but I have been camping a few times, and I happen to be an expert on bullshit. There is perhaps no one in the world more qualified to outline the heartbreaking, light snuffing, soul stealing, pain in the ass that is camping. I will now present my case.

We will take a one day camping trip; Just a typical 24hr hike through Hell’s colon. No need to worry I am Tom Nardone, and I will be your guide.

6:00are – It is time to get up and get ready. The day we have planned for is finally here. It is time to get up and take everything that makes us comfortable as human beings and load it into our car, so we can take in with us on our magical journey to the woods.

8:00am – We arrive. Things are a little better because now our friends are here with us and we realize that we will not have to suffer alone. Misery loves company.

9:00am – we find the site where we will camp and now we have to figure out how to watch and discipline our kids while at the same time putting our tent up. The instructions are long gone and we will be lucky if we can even find all the parts to the damn thing. We also have to put the tent up with one hand because the other hand is far too busy killing mosquitoes.

11:00am – The campsite is up, and after a wonderful morning of packing, driving, working, sweating, and killing bugs, I finally get to rest. Uhhhhh No I don’t. You know why? Yes, because the kids are hungry. OK lets fire up the grill! After all, it is only 92°F how much worse can it get. Well since human beings are not the only life forms who eat, every fly, bee, and insect will be joining you. You have to figure out how to avoid flies, hold a paper plate, and eat at the same time, and that is bullshit.

12:30pm Well lunch is over, so what is next to do on Satan’s honey-do list. You can’t relax. It is 96°F, it is humid, there are bugs, and let us not forget the biggest pests we know. Yes I mean the kids. Because God bless them, they are bored, and we just can’t have that. Can we? Our kids who begged and begged for this nightmare to come true are now bored.

1:30pm – You are feeling pretty smart. You had a wonderful idea. You thought you could take these kids fishing. You are a genius, except that you are not. You will not have a moment’s peace. The only thing you will catch while fishing, are the fresh contents of the can of Hell you just opened. They will expect to catch a fish within the first forty five seconds, and will ask you a million questions, until all you can hope for is that one of them will shit their pants, and close this chapter of the new book you bought from the Hells best seller list.

3:00pm – At this point you will be thinking of excuses to abort the mission. What could you possibly do to avoid this any further. You can’t think of anything rational to convince your wife to deprive the children of their adventure. You will then think of the irrational. You think “I am a 42 year old male. What if I were to just talk about a stomach ache and then wait ten or fifteen minutes and then just shit my pants? The ride home would be miserable, but would it be worse” That won’t work though because you just went after lunch

6:30pm – It is time for dinner, but forget the ease and convenience of the grill. In the spirit of camping there has to be a camp fire. So now you have to find dry would and build a fire. You also have to find sticks that will be suitable for hotdogs to hover over the fire. Then come the marshmallows. You know that the only real purpose of a marshmallow is to hold it over a campfire and then watch it cool and then eat it.

8:00pm – Thank God, it is time for bed, but don’t thank him too soon. The bugs, spiders, snakes, and skunks do not have a bed time. You get to lie in your tent and try to sleep knowing that outside lurks the wilderness. You will try to sleep in that fear, the lingering heat, and the humidity that, will without mercy, continue to whip your ass throughout the entire night as you try to sleep.

12:00am – it has been four hours. Everyone is asleep, but you. You will think about all the comforts waiting for you at home. Your chair how perfect it is, and how lonely it must be without your ass planted firmly in it.

2:25am – Is this Hell?

3:18am – how can they be sleeping?

3:27am – I wonder if anyone is reading my blog right now?

3:51am – I wonder how many stitches it took to put this tent together.

4:00am – is there enough oxygen in this tent?

5:00am – FUCK ……THIS……SHIT!!!!!!!!

Hell enters the campsite

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! WAKE UP FAMILY THIS FUNFILLED ROLLER COASTER OF AGONY AND WOE IS SADLY COME TO A CLOSE. COME ON KIDS GET UP! GET UP! GET UP! WE GOTTA HIT THE ROAD. COME ON LETS DO THIS BITCH! WE GOTTA GO! WHAT? DID YOU JUST SAY THE WORD BREAKFAST?  NOOOOO! FUCK THAT SHIT JIMMY, YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN YOUR ASS OUT OF BED BEFORE 5 AM IF YOU WANTED BREAKFAST WE WILL EAT WHEN WE REJOIN CIVILIZATION. PACK IT UP LETS GO GOD DAMN IT ALL WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL MEEEEEEEEEE!”

At this point your wife will calm you down and help you see clearly. You will take a moment to explain to your 8 year old son Jimmy that you are sorry for swearing at him and that you will make him any breakfast he wants when you get home.

6:05am – Not a word is spoken on the way home

8:00pm – You will most likely be the only one who is involved in the unpacking of the car. That is OK because you are finished with a very shitty part of your life. Your family will think twice before they ever burden you with another request like that again. The trip is over.

OK, now I don’t think there is anything left to say so I will be brief. Go back through this and you will see that everything that angered this man was a result of the absence of something that men spent years and years developing and perfecting so that we would not have to shit our pants or kill ourselves in order to avoid.

I value their struggle and appreciate their vision. I have no desire to live in a fictitious world where I pretend that they never even existed.

I will honor the ancient Egyptians, who are credited with inventing the chair

I will honor men like Willis Carrier, who invented the air conditioner so that we no longer have to marinate in our own perspiration while sitting in our homes.

I will honor men like Philo Farnsworth and Charles Jenkins who invented the television. They did this, because what would be the point of having electricity without TV.

I will honor men like John Crapper, for inventing indoor plumbing, so that when I go number two, the whole house does not have to know it.

These people had my best interests in mind many years ago and I will honor them with my ass in my chair, a clicker in my hand, and a dry comfortable body which will emit no odor that would offend my friends or family.

These men slaved so that you could be comfortable, but you go enjoy your camping trip. I personally do not feel the need to symbolically kick these men in the nuts. It just doesn’t sound like a good idea to me any longer.

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32 thoughts on “The Family Outing. Hell Has Relocated!

  1. karen698

    This is now my favorite post. From the pic of the tent to what u are likely to catch while fishing, I laughed out loud and then showed this to my husband and my dad. Thanks for this.

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    1. @iamtomnardone Post author

      I do love the comment with the in depth story karen. thanks for sharing this with you family. I do hope you will catch my guest appearance on the radio at the end of march

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  2. Gray Dawster

    So I take it that you hate camping then Tom Nardone? 😦 lmao
    I guess when one starts squashing bugs one never knows when
    to stop, and those dim witted assholes renting out them measly
    tent slots laugh their asses off when all the grunting starts. You
    know, this is how Swinging started, and I don’t mean the kind that
    kicks your tent neighbours butt either, mind you when you think
    about it, maybe that is where the word camp came from too, so
    that’s another reason not to go camping. Nobody wants a sore leg
    on the way home, or even a Brontosaurus for that matter 😦 Okay
    that’s enough for this comment otherwise we might get a following
    for those sing songs, and one gin-gang-goolie chord is enough for
    anyone on those shitty camping nightmares don’t you think? 🙂

    Phew I am so glad I got that out of
    my system Tom, have a great day now 🙂

    Andro

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    1. iamtomnardone Post author

      Jeffery thank you for the offer. I think you are a great guy, and thanks for the invite. I will give it some thought. So far it is between camping in neveda, or having a fishhook in my ass I will let you know HAHA

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  3. Pingback: Swearing is Caring, and I Care a Shitload | Hey Joe! Online

  4. bossymoksie

    So good!!!
    The idea always sounds fun and exciting but the reality, which you so eloquently wrote about in this post, is that it is irritating and boring.

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  5. Redneckprincess

    Hahahahah…that was pretty awesome, and I have BEEN on that camping trip. It is way easier when your kids are grown up and don’t want to come with you anymore 🙂

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  6. iamtomnardone Post author

    HAHA I knew that you would not let me down on this one Val (as if you ever have) I have been anticipating your reaction ever since read about your walk for domestic violence post. I am so glad you are on my side. I think…., NO…… I am certain….with you on my side that I am…… Val……I….am completely flawless in my presentation

    I have been (oh my god……… I cannot believe i am just now thinking of this.) I have been VALidated. WOW now i have impressed even myself. I am getting awesomeness feedback.

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  7. Valentine Logar

    This is perfection! I was nodding my head at every point you made. Who would do this to any reasonable man with a reasonable hold on reality?

    My idea of camping? A hotel without room service.

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  8. ksbeth

    wow tomnardone that is almost poetic, you’ve painted such a lovely serene picture of the great outdoors. what about putting the kids to work with a ‘who can catch the most ticks, flies, spiders, mosquitos contest?’ the prize will be a chance to collect and build the biggest dry wood pile they ever wanted to build. i feel your pain, i am adventurous but not the best camper. i once had an extremely insane weekend camping with a group of friends in west virginia on a white water rafting trip. it poured for 72 hours, i slept in a river in my tent, warned them that i may drown while sleeping, swore my air matress was floating, and made many different outfits out of trash bags. memorable )

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    1. iamtomnardone Post author

      That is a total nightmare. You really should have just hauled ass

      I have had mixed feelings on this post. It is something everyone should do at least once. Only then can they fully appreciate the depth to which it sucks.

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      1. ksbeth

        agree, and oddly, i’ll probably find myself doing it again some day, i love the crazy adventure of it all. and regret the moment it begins.

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  9. Big Blogger of Knowledge

    While I may not share your hatred against camping, I do have something against family outings, especially ones lasting longer than a weekend. So please wish me luck as I go on a weeklong 1500 mile road trip with my family this summer. Oh, and I’m one of the drivers of our 11 person convoy. Whoop-de-freakin-do.

    (And as always, funny as hell post, man)

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  10. iamtomnardone Post author

    OK Jade then i have to ask. If you bring all that stuff with you then what is the point of camping, and is that really camping? hold on while i check websters……..OK fine websters says Camping – to Live for a time in a camp, tent, or camper, as when on vacation. but that still leave the question what is the point? If you are in the camper, then what difference does it make where the campers is located?

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  11. jadereyner

    OK – and this is where our beautiful relationship becomes strained once more….

    Firstly, I own a caravan, which I am sure must figure on your hate list somewhere along the lines. I have to say that it is immeasurably more pleasurable than a tent, you have hot and cold running water, a toilet, cooking appliances and heating, plus a comfortable bed – so taking all of that into account, I LOVE IT!!!!!!

    Secondly, you have clearly never had the pleasure of camping in the UK. Here, we don’t have to worry about heat, bugs, lack of oxygen etc… we have the never ending dreary-ness that is our summer, plenty of the wet stuff until we all develop webbed feet, and very cold nights. See – what could be more fun than that??

    I jest. But seriously, I do own a caravan and I love it and I wouldn’t be without it. As for a tent – NOT ON YOUR LIFE!!

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  12. BakoRamblinDad

    Oh my sweet lord this is some funny…uh…stuff in your pants. Well said, Tom Nardone!
    I fear this story is close to happening to me. My wife has 3 sisters and theyve all decided it would be fun to get the families together and go camping. Theyve bought tents, and 1 sister even bought a trailer, so the ball is rolling. Theyve even threatened to make it a yearly excursion. Did I mention that amongst all 4 families there is a total of 9 kids? How can I avoid this from happening??

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    1. iamtomnardone Post author

      Brother, Listen to my words.
      Take your laptop to wherever your wife may be and tell her for the benefit of your marriage she needs to read this post. I feel what you just read is a look into your future. If the trip does happen and you are unable to shit you pants, then bring beer.

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      1. BakoRamblinDad

        Yeah, beer it is. Thing is, none of these sisters seem like the camping type. Its a disaster in the making. I’m just going to sit back, let the other husbands look like idiots setting everything up, and drink a blue moon. Because Tom Nardone said so!

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        1. iamtomnardone Post author

          Yes! I agree, By all means, enjoy the show take pictures and notes. Come back home and present your followers with an ass kicking blog post. All right I think we have a plan. You sir, are a hero.

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