Monthly Archives: June 2013

My First Blogger Award

shineontom

By Tom Nardone

Hello Everyone,

Tom Nardone here I Have been nominated for my first award. Jade Reyner of Jade’s Jungle has nominated me for the “Shine on Award”. Thank you Jade, this is very thoughtful. I have and do, thoroughly enjoy reading you.

As far as the rest of you are concerned, nothing has changed. Your awesomeness is Not on the line. I will be nominating 15 or so of you as per the rules, but please do not feel obligated to reply. I have no expectations of you in regard to this award. You may accept or not accept this. I will love you just the same.

“Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants” I know you aren’t going to do it because it would violate your need to have a perfect record of no pictures on your blog that you are so proud of. You will kick no less ass in my book. And CV, I imagine you are trying to catch a flight somewhere. Live your lives write your magic. If you have time for this than please do it. For what its worth, I think you have earned it.shine-on

Anyway here are the rules:

1. Display the award on your blog.

2. Link back to the person who nominated you.

3. State 7 random facts about yourself.

4. Nominate 15 other bloggers to receive the award.

 

7 Things About Tom

1. I have actually performed an “Upper Decker”

2. I was on a sales call once and got lost. I could not find a bathroom and had no choice but to shit my pants in the car.

3. I have swam on the equator

4. I might be agoraphobic

5. Archer is the only TV show that I watch, and I watch it every single day for hours

6. I am going bald

7. I don’t ever shave until the hair on my face makes sleeping uncomfortable.

In order of Blogs I have most recently followed:

  1. Extreme Mom
  2. The Redneck Princess
  3. Mike’s ScratchPADD
  4. Neuro-Diverse Educational and Behavioral Services
  5. Mollytopia
  6. A Ramblin’ Dad’s Blog
  7. The Cubicle Views
  8. Ned’s Blog
  9. I didn’t have my glasses on….
  10. QBG_Tilted Tiara
  11. The Daily Graff: Mon.-Fri.
  12. Jade’s Jungle
  13. Hey Joe! Online
  14. thoughtsandrantsinjoggingpants
  15. Essa On Everything

All of You are awesome, and I love you.

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Attention Creditors, I don’t Owe You, I Own You!

“Tommy, don’t ever buy anything with a credit card, or you will pay for it twice”  Tom Nardone Sr. (my father)
Tom Nardone

These are the words of my father. I heard his words and I heeded his words for many years. I got married and that changed pretty quickly. I told my now ex-wife one day that we wouldn’t be getting a credit card. We eventually did. It was not so bad though because we did not ever use it. Then it was a little here, a little there, then eventually, maxed out. Then it was more cards and then debt, shit, what the hell? We were in the fucking credit zone.

(Fast Forward) Sunday February 29th 2004. My wife left me. While that was a truly unexpected gift in and of itself, she did not take everything. She did take the money, the car, all of her miscellaneous bullshit, but she did leave me with the first and second mortgage, all of the credit card debt, and all the bills. Yes. I know. What a bitch.

I determined that things would have to change. I knew I would have to sell the house, and get an apartment.

It came time to pay all the bills. I was alone in the house one day. I sat down at the kitchen table and went through everything. Just for fun; I added up all the minimum amounts that I could get by with. When I realized how much I would need I just started laughing. I don’t mean a little giggle. It was full on fetal position on the kitchen floor laughter.

I got up off the kitchen floor, and I went out and bought a new laptop. I cannot tell you how good that felt. I decided that nobody gets paid except me. I remember thinking to myself, hell maybe they won’t even care. I was wrong. Apparently there are people who will call you when you don’t pay your bills.

Many of you have gotten a call from a bill collector, and you probably did not enjoy the experience as much as I did. In fact I don’t think anybody enjoyed it as much as I did. I had already decided to file bankruptcy and done all the paper work. My attorney said “Tom, the only thing left to do is pay us the $969.00 dollars, and then we will go ahead and pull the trigger on this thing”. I had the money and I could have just written the check. I decided “hey, what’s the rush? I can milk this out for a while.” The amount of calls increased and that is where the real fun began. I want to share with you some of the conversations I had with my bill collectors. It is my hope that you will adopt some of these methods, and turn something you fear or dread into something that you will perhaps look forward to.

Tom Nardone

Discover Card:

Limit: $6000

Balance $6900

Toms Chosen Accent: “Deep Southern”

Discover: Hello Mr. Nardone, How are you today?

Tom: Bill, I am fantastic. I got up this morning and had really good breakfast. I am off work today and I thought maybe I might go and see a movie. I don’t know if anything good is playing but I probably need to get out of the house anyway becau….(Bill interrupts)

Discover: Yes Mr.Nardone that is great but I need to tell you that there is a problem with your account.

Tom: there is a problem?

Discover: Yes, we did not get your payment for March or April. I am sure it must be an oversight, but we would like to get this cleared up today if possible.

Tom: Bill, there is something I got to tell you but I don’t want you to be mad at me. You seem like a nice guy, and I am afraid that if I tell you this, you won’t like me. If I tell you something do you promise that we can still be friends?

Discover: uhhh yah sure

Tom: No Bill, do you promise?

Discover: Yes Mr. Nardone, I promise.

Tom: Bill I suck at paying bills. I have always sucked at it. I will mess it up and make everybody down there angry with me. So I decided rather than to upset you and your bosses that I would just save you a bunch of time and aggravation, so just cancel my account. I am glad that me and you can still be friends. Listen I am gonna let you go before I get upset, and start crying. Maybe this movie will cheer me up. I like you bill and I would love it if you would stay in touch. Bye Bye now.

Next week

Discover: Hello Mr. Nardone this is Jenny with Discover Card how are you today?

Tom: Jenny I am just wonderful, How are you Jenny?

Discover: I am fine sir, listen the reason I am calling is because your account is past due.

Tom: Jenny, I already know all this, there was a feller called me last week and he is already handling it for me. I am sorry nobody told you about that, and made you waste your time. Hey! Do you know Bill? How is his mama?Man he is a really great guy, you know me and him is friends now because of all this?

Discover: Sir that is really nice but we do need to take care of this right now

Tom: Oh wait sorry, I gotta go law and order is on. Call back in a hour.

By the end, I knew two or three people with Discover. They were actually the nicest people. The southern accent was a lot of fun too.

Tom Nardone

Capitol One:

Limit: $4000

Balance $5400

Toms Chosen Accent: “none”

Capitol One: Hello. Is this Mr. Nardone?

Tom:Yah

Capitol One: Mr.Nardone, this is peter with Capitol One how are you today?

Great

Capitol One:Mr. Nardone the reason I am calling is because we have not received a payment from you in the past 90 days so I wanted to call and see if we could clear this up?

Tom:Peter, I am not going to pay you shit.

Capitol One:Excuse me?

Tom:I don’t have to pay this bill so why should I?

Capitol One:Mr. Nardone this will be a negative entry on your credit file.

Tom:My credit is already turned to shit, what else have you got?

Capitol One:Mr. Nardone you owe this money.

Tom: Yah I sort of got that impression when the bill came. I assume it was a bill. When I see Capitol One on an envelope I just throw it in the shit-can with the rest of the bullshit I get in the mail. Peter let me save you some time. You should pretend that I am a turnip, and you are in search of blood.

Tom Nardone

Chevy Chase Visa

Limit: $7000

Balance $8100

Toms Chosen Accent: “none”

Visa: Mr. Nardone your account is past due by 120 days. We really need to set up some sort of a payment plan. How much are you prepared to pay us for this today?

Tom: Hey do you believe I can fit an entire pear into my mouth. I was just about to try it when you called. Hold on.

I would then just talk into the phone with my fist in my mouth for the rest of the conversation, until they hung up.

Sometimes I would just sing songs right in the middle of them talking.Tom Nardone I was always impressed with how long they would actually stay on the line. One guy stayed until the end of a song. As soon as he started talking , I went into another song. He actually said “Oh Fuck this deadbeat” and then hung up.

Sometimes I would answer the phone and say my name was Vinnie from a local bank, and that I was in Tom’s house stealing shit to pay the debts that he owes. I would even urge them to get here before everything was gone, and be shit-out-of-luck.

I once asked a bill collector this; “What do my TV, my stereo, and my computer all have in common?” he said “I don’t know sir” I said “They are all things I bought with your money, that you will never ever see again”

I do not feel the need to discuss the immoral banking practices that are at work every day in this country. If you own a credit card then you know about them.

I did file bankruptcy and at no time during the process did I feel any guilt or any remorse. I had been taking it in the ass for years, and just decided that it was over. Bill collectors eventually got nasty. They would make threats and talk about all kinds of things in an attempt to scare me.

I walked out of that court room with a big smile on my face. I felt as if I had struck a blow against the criminals of this country who hide from sight under the guise of a legitimate business. The only thing I have left to say to those people is “Go Fuck Yourself, and thanks for the free shit”

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

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IT WILL FEEL GREAT!!!

I Am Tom Nardone Presents: “DAY-CEPTION”

doctortom

by Tom Nardone

I owe the title for this article to my son Brett A. Fuller. I promised him a credit in this post. So, promise kept.

I feel that I have stumbled across an amazing discovery. Like many discoveries, It was discovered completely by accident. The research division of “I am Tom Nardone”, have unanimously decided, to share this with you. We sincerely hope you can benefit from this and your feedback will be carefully scrutinized by our analysts, should you be compelled to share it.

I recently was scheduled off three days in a row. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it is a wonderful thing. Yesterday I got up at 7:00am, and went into the kitchen to make some coffee. I began writing. I finished and posted an article, and then spent some time with my wife watching TV in the den. Sometime around noon, she was feeling like a nap and so was I. I went upstairs, and took a four hour nap. I got up again this time at 4:00pm and went to the kitchen and made a pot of coffee. This felt like the beginning of a new day. Just like that, My new discovery was born. From the mind of Tom Nardone, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present ”Day-Secting”? I did the very same thing on Tuesday, and here is what I would like to report.

This is my discovery; “Day-secting” – the day within a day.

I was off Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I “Day-sected” Monday, and Tuesday. I cut the second and third days into two small days or mini days. This brought the total days from Three to five.

This was amazing! When I finally went back to work, I really felt as if I had been off for five days. During my three days off, I kept thinking that I was supposed to be at work. I actually checked the calendar on my laptop to make sure that I was not missing it.  I figured that when I got back it would catch up to me and balance out, but it didn’t. I clocked in and it felt like I had been on vacation. When I got home that afternoon, I still could not get it out of my mind. I sat and pondered at what I had done.

I determined that I had discovered something extraordinary. I could not decide though whether I discovered a method of solving the “two days off a week is not enough” dilemma. OR had I just taken self-bullshitting to the next level, or perhaps turned it into an art form. I am in a quandary as to which one, but they both sound like something that I can be proud of.

While I will stand by this research, I do not plan to take it any further. After the success Day-secting two consecutive days, I had planned another test; I was going to schedule a vacation for myself, and commit to this program for seven straight days. I was going to Day-sect each day of my entire vacation.

I am reasonably sure that it would have felt like a two week vacation. I decided that this would put undue pressure on my family who depends on me for things. Another way to say this is that my wife has put the kibosh on it. “SO, OK EVERYBODY GET YOUR PARADE OUT SO YVONNE CAN RAIN ON IT!” I still maintain that this is an amazing discovery.

My wife Yvonne, on the other hand, is not nearly as impressed with this as I am. During the second day of “Day-secting”, she was leaving to go to the grocery store, as she left she said “I will be back in an hour and a half; I will need some help getting the groceries in.” I explained to her that Brett would help her to that because I was involved in an important experiment, and that my research would require me to go back to sleep for four hours. She said “oh God Tom, Day-secting?” I said “Yes dear, Day-secting.” she said “I love you Tom, but this is the stupidest thing you have ever done. You’re an idiot” and with that she left.

When she recently found out that this discovery was actually going to make it to my blog, she advised me not to do it. She said “Tom, Honey listen, This whole thing….. is just bullshit. Are you sure you are not going to embarrass yourself sweety?”

(Long Pause)

Me: “Darling, have you EVER read my blog?”

I continued and said to her in a tender tone of voice as if to eliminate her fears, “Yvonne, let me assure you that if it were possible for me to embarrass myself, I would have absolutely done it by now. Let me tell you why I am never going to be embarrassed. I AM TOM NARDONE, and I am a global phenomenon. People love and appreciate me, because of my Awesomeness. There are people all over the world, in countries I have never even heard of who go to my site. You call Day-secting a bunch of bullshit, well these people have hunger for my bullshit. Some of them have told me that they all sit down to the dinner table and have a big giant family dinner and guess what the main course is? Yep, that is correct The bullshit of Tom Nardone. I could read some comments to you, but do you really need me to?”

Yvonne: Ughhhhhhhh

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

They Gave Me Creative Control. Me!

Tom Nardone

by Tom Nardone

I am Tom Nardone. Many of you know that I work at the Home Depot. A few years ago in November the store was preparing for what we call a Goldcup Walk. This is when a bunch of people from the corporate office come in and look at several stores and give an award to the one who is most prepared for the #Christmas season.

I happened to be in earshot of my store manager when I heard her explain that she wanted something big this year that would really bring attention to the store. I saw an opportunity for a fun week rather than the day to day business that I do every day. I love what I do, but one of the cool things about Depot, is that  sometimes you can do projects for the store that are fun.

She wanted two things. She wanted a replica of “Christmas Town”, and she wanted “Bumble”. Bumble was the name of the Abominable Snowman from the rudolph story.

I of course jumped all over this. I told her that under no circumstances should she allow anyone to be a part of the snowman build that was not Tom Nardone. I went on and I said “look you have a choice to make. You can either let someone else spend a whole week to build you a giant disappointment, or you can let me build something that the whole community will come to the store just to see” She could see that I wanted to do it and I suppose my passion to build this thing is what carried the day. I got the gig. I am Tom Nardone and I always win.

The irony is not lost on me. I am building a character from the story of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Yes I am aware of my story where I was critical of Rudolph and rewrote the ending.  It is without a doubt, the funniest thing, in my opinion, that I have written to date. I am just going to ask that you give me a pass on that. In my story I never listed Bumble as a problem for anything.

It was an awesome experience. I got to pick a helper. Jonathan Parker a good friend of mine helped me through most of the build. I had the vision for this thing in my head from the moment I got the gig.

This is what my store manager did not fully understand. She did not understand that I am Tom Nardone, and she gave me complete and total creative control over this project. It took all forty hours of my week, and in the end as I promised, it was a work of art. I created a spot on replica of this monster. It was and I think still is the coolest thing anyone ever did for Christmas in any home depot ever at any store their ever was. To put it simply, it was perfect in every way.

I will never forget the day when John and I rolled this ferocious Christmas icon to the sales floor. I had to remove its head as we entered the lumber roll up door because it would not fit under it. We reattached the head and as this thing rolled down the main aisle, everything stopped. Everyone was standing in the aisle with their mouths open. They were in awe of this thing I had built. For customers and associates alike,  time stood still and I simply smiled as I ate all the attention up with a spoon.

We staged it prominently in front of the paint desk where it stood proudly and every person that walked by it stopped to take note of it. Almost all of them took a photo or had their kids pose in front of it.

And YES!! Of course I have a picture. Behold

#BUMBLE

163279_1530754430286_3176867_n

 I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome

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With friends like these, I have no enemies

trtrtr

By Tom Nardone

I have been fortunate over the last two years to have made a lot of friends. There are a lot of people who have a tough time making friends and I can relate to that. I don’t have much of a problem with it these days but to be honest with you, having a lot of friends is not always as great as you might think.

There is a lot expected of you as a friend. I would urge you to be careful, and to avoid being too many people’s best friend.

Yes I know; it is a highly coveted position “The Best Friend” I will tell you why that is not something to aspire to without moderation. I will ask you. Do you know what is expected of “The Best Friend”? Everything is expected of the best friend. You are either the first or last person they go to with the worst things in their life that they think must be done. This can be a burden that maybe you will not be prepared for. Certainly I don’t mean that you would not want to be there for any friend who has lost someone dear to them or to help them in a time of need. I am talking about stuff you don’t care about.

How about moving day? Yes Moving day. The very words sometimes cause me to drop a nut. Yes when a person decides to move, they make no bones about the fact that they are disrupting our lives, simply by telling us that they are moving.

truck

So they get a nice new home, and you and I get a large order of guilt and a side order of anxiety. They even go as far as to say it will be FUN!!

“Yah guys we will just be hanging out and drinking some beers, and having some laughs it will go quick.” They will sometimes say “There is really nothing that heavy”. They would have you believe that their furniture is made out of balsa wood. OK liars, the truth is that is not going to be a lot of laughs. It is going to be a pains-taking endurance test, and the whole time we are there we are going to be asking ourselves; is this guy’s friendship really worth this? Could I have not come up with an excuse to avoid this? HOWEVER, this is not a question that you will ask yourself,…. best friend.

The best friend will without a doubt be there on moving day. He or she will not be afforded the luxury of having more pressing matters. As the best friend you know all too well that if no one shows that this person will be moping around for weeks and they will be able to say “Even my best friend did not come help me”. They will of course say this to their best friend. Yes you will also have to hear about it, and as a human being you cannot allow that. You must, and you will endure. It is your lot for this awful day. This is the job of the best friend.

Our friends choose all kinds of ways to disrupt our lives. Maybe you have experienced this. Your friend has been dating someone for three years. When you are least expecting it, they announce that one day very soon in your life; you are going to make them the focal point of it for an entire damn day. Do not make any plans because by God you will be there at their disposal, on that magical day when they get married.

Picture4

One thing about a friend getting married is that you are not going to get out of it. Other than them calling it off or eloping you are going to be there unless you have a car crash on the way to the church and what are the odds that will happen?

Guys this is just a one day ordeal for you, but women, you have my sympathy. This woman who is getting married is going to make your life a living hell. She won’t want to make a single wrong decision. So she will appoint “guess who?” as her bride’s maid. Yes, she will choose the Best Friend. They get to be involved in this process every step of the way. I have only one word of advice to any of you ladies who are asked to be bride’s maids. If you hear the word elope come out of her mouth, Carpe diem baby. Save everyone for you may never again get a chance like this to be a hero to so many.

This Last thing can be a never-ending death that you may have to survive only to repeat again. If you have a lot of friends there is one thing you better not own. If you find yourself suddenly becoming Mr. or Mrs. Popularity, and your friends are growing beyond a reasonable rate of speed, you better get on Craig’s list as fast as you can, and sell that pickup truck to the first person who is physically able to write a check.pickup

You are going to be hauling everything everywhere. You will hate tax refund season, because that is when people by things like furniture, TV’s, Refrigerators, ovens, ranges, and other things in large heavy boxes. You are going to haul the stuff. My advice to you; if you have to have a pickup truck put it in the shop in February, and don’t take it out until May.

I am proud to say that there is a group of close knit friends where NONE of this ever comes to pass. This is a group of close friends that would never expect any of these things of one another. These are the many and the proud; “The Bloggers”. This is a group that absolutely has something that prevents any of this tension from ever coming between them. They have the only thing would prevent a life of unsolicited misery. That is geography; we are simply too far apart geographically speaking.

Blog buddies are the top shelf, the Cadillac, the crème of the crop, the best of the best, when it comes to friends. I do love these people, but I love everyone who takes time out of their lives to be a part of mine.

I have some really great and amazing friends here in South Carolina. I would and I have helped them move. I have hauled their stuff and their garbage, and I was prould to see them get married. I am a good friend to the people here that I love. I will always be there for them.

Here in SC I have what I like to call a manageable number of friends.

I will bet you if Valentine Logar bought a new house, she might call upon friends to help her. I love Val and I would do anything for her, but I am all the way in South Carolina. It wouldn’t even make sense to call me. It would not occur to her to ask me. I love Val enough to help her move, but it is never going to happen.

Jade Reyner might get an entire brand new kitchen, complete with cabinets and appliances, and a giant sofa for her living room. Even though I drive a pick-up truck she is not going to call me. She is too good a friend to expect me to drive across the ocean to the UK in my pickup truck, just to help her het her kitchen delivered.

Wow! I couldn’t wait to do this one. If Essa Alroc were to get married she might very well invite me to the wedding, but under the circumstances given our “Geography” she would never expect me to show. She would certainly understand if I couldn’t make it. I don’t think I would miss that one for the world though.

My point to all this is that being a friend is not just a title. It is a responsibility. As much as I hate to admit this, my life would be empty without responsibility. Responsibility is that which gives us a purpose.

I have friends that I would give everything for. Sometimes you get a chance to be the person who they need when they need them. This is never easy, but it is a rare and beautiful thing. I don’t think I want to live in a world without them; they will certainly never live in a world without me.

Thank You friends for a great year at I am Tom Nardone

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

I Am Tom Nardone, and I Can Make Your Dreams Come True!!!

motivator tom nardone

By Tom Nardone

A great man once said, “The Less you expect, the less you will be disappointed”. Many of you know that great man was I, Tom Nardone.

Some people, my wife among them, have expressed that they feel that is a very negative outlook. I cannot understand how they could feel this way. Some of you may feel the same way. Here at I am Tom Nardone, I don’t just say something and ask you to blindly enter my way of thinking. I love and care for you all, and for that reason I am always happy to explain to you why you are wrong, and why I am awesome.

The less you expect the less you will be disappointed is a road map to being happy. So let us begin by identifying what makes us sad.

Sadness occurs when life falls short of our expectations. We go into a job interview and we expect we will get a call. We wait by the phone all day and sadly it does not ring. Then it does ring and it is not who we hoped it would be. I have been there, and had to explain to my family member why I sounded so disappointed when I found out it was them calling. This can be devastating.

On the other hand, a person being home all day who doesn’t expect to get a phone call, will not be driving everybody in the house crazy every time they see us use the phone during this critical time. They are not expecting the call. Life has met their expectations.

These are reasonable expectations. It is extremely hard for someone to not expect a phone call, when they might be in desperate need of a job. I myself was unable to do this.

While my son was in middle school, there was constant drama every day in my home. I would come home from work fully expecting that he had gotten in trouble, and there would have to be some family meeting where he would feed me a bunch of bullshit. Normally that did not happen, and I would be pleasantly surprised. Imagine how upset I would be if I expected a peaceful home and walked into a damn warzone.

There are people on this planet who expect their favorite football team to win every game. They leave no room for the chance that they could possibly lose. They watch intently as their team is being bitch-slapped around the field for four straight quarters. The game then ends and they are not only disappointed but, crushed. These particular people have two problems. one, there expectations were way higher than what life brought them, and two, these people are a bunch of assholes. (more on that when football season begins)

There are things in your life that you want to achieve. You might be one of those people who set goals for yourself. You might even be a student of Tony Robins, and you write your goals down. Goals can lead to disappointment as well. Some people are way overly serious about their goals. Maybe you have met this guy.

 I have SET a goal it is a firm and stern metric that I plan on hitting no matter the cost. It is do or die and I swear to god I will destroy the son of a bitch who stands between me and my goals, and then I will feast on their flesh, and shit them into the river.

For a better understanding I have spent a great deal of time preparing this Graph. I would like to dedicate this graph to my very good friend at “Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants” who also happens to be awesome, and a lover of blog art.

Graph complete

Notice in the above graph that life is constant. I know that there are ups and downs but we cannot control it so it will be displayed as constant. Expectations on the other hand can be controlled so we will show them at varying levels. Here is what I want you to notice.

While life is constant it begins with our expectations being very high. This causes an increase in the “Sadness Envelope”.  As our level of expectation goes down the Sadness Envelope gets smaller. Then we see something amazing happen. When our level of expectation drops below what life has delivered to us we see the start of the Happiness Envelope. We then see, as you might expect, a larger level of happiness when our expectations are at the lowest.

Goals that people set hover over them and put stress on them. Don’t we have enough to worry about without this self-inflicted shit looming over us too?

The Point

So am I saying that we should wander through life with no goals, or expectations? Hell No I am not. There are things in this world that are just more important than our happiness. Parents with kids, when it comes to their well-being, well, screw your happiness. When it is time and get up and take your ass to the job that feeds and houses your family, screw your happiness. We should challenge ourselves and we should try to make ourselves happier.

When I started this blog, I had goals. There are things I would like to have as a result of this website. I want my awesomeness to span the globe. I want people to hear the name Tom Nardone, and think to themselves “is awesome”. I want a parade in my honor and all of my posts put to music and to be sang by millions. I want a thirty foot statue, made of solid gold in my likeness to be erected in front of the WordPress home office, and I want my face on the one dollar bill, but I don’t expect it.

I think we all should have goals hopes and dreams. I certainly have them. I have goals, and expectations of my family, and for this blog, and a lot of other things. When those are not met of course I am disappointed. Having no expectations is no way to go through life. You only get one shot down here on earth so you do whatever it takes to be happy. If it is setting goals, daydreaming, or posting your own brand of bullshit over the internet, then that is what you should be doing

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

Tom Nardone Vs The Lawn | Let’s Mow Some Ass.

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By Tom Nardone

Before I begin this story of deception, I should point out that my wife is the finest human being that God ever graced the earth with. She is perfect in every way, and I wouldn’t trade her for the world. I have never lied to her however; I would not say any of this about my ex-wife. All further references to my wife will be referring to my ex-wife, who I thought might have very well have been….”The Antichrist”

We had had a 600 square foot addition added to the back of our house that would later become our master bedroom. What I had planned to finish in just 3 to 4 months, ended up taking about (and I’m not kidding) four and a half years.  What can I say?  I’m ADD, and my favorite day of the week is tomorrow, so that is the day that I set aside to do important things in my life.

It was about two years into the project and spring was coming. My wife had been raising hell about the addition being finished, and then she decides to throw in that she  wants the yard do be nice this year. One thing you need to know about my ex-wife and yard work is that my ex-wife did not do yard work. She wanted that yard to look nice that year, but not at the inconvenience of depriving our sofa the joy of having her ass spread out on it, while she watched reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer all day. The plan was for my ass to be outside working in the yard all day, and working on the addition al night. I knew my wife, and I knew, just like a day killing freight train, she would never stop.

I had what I then referred to as the ”The Misery Trifecta” A nagging wife, a 600 square foot addition, and now a yard to give a shit about after years of blissful neglect. All of my free time was in jeopardy, and I would not even be able to look forward to the weekends.  The only thing I knew was that there was no way in hell I was going to do all that shit.

Ohhhhh, but something would have to be done.

(ok now fasten your seatbelt)

I waited two days until Sunday, early evening, after a whole weekend without a word of this coming up. I broke the silence and I said “Hey honey. I thought a lot about what you said about the yard and you know you’re right. I am going up to The Home Depot and figure out what we need to do to fix our yard.” she was so happy. I actually even went outside, and (just for show), I dug up a sample of our yard to show the people at Home Depot, so that they could help me. She thought that was great. I got in my car and left. About a mile down the road, I tossed the sample out of my window, and proceeded to the Depot. When I got there a man said;

Home Depot Guy: What can I do for you sir?

Me:    I need to buy something to spray on my lawn that will kill every weed, every blade of grass, and every living thing in my whole yard.

Home Depot Guy: Excuse me sir?

Me:    shall I repeat what I said?

Home Depot Guy You want to kill……….the lawn?

Me: Winner!!!!!

Home Depot Guy:   OK uh, how big is your yard?

Me:   Half an acre.

Home Depot Guy:   One of these bottles of Roundup should do it.

Me: I’ll take two.

When I got home my wife was in bed, but I was so excited that I couldn’t even wait until morning. I got my sprayer and my roundup concoction (Double Strength) together and sprayed the entire backyard (Twice). I felt great. Here is something else that you must know. My wife worked Mon-Fri .She left the house at 6am (still dark outside) she got home at 6:30pm (still dark outside). She would not be home during the daylight hours until Saturday morning.  I don’t mean to give Roundup a plug here, but credit where credit is due. I couldn’t believe how fast it worked. By Friday afternoon my yard was dead. I mean like post-apocalypse, tombstone, tumbleweed dead. For five days I watched my lawn die a slow death, and I could not have been more pleased with myself.

Friday night I went to work. It was just a few short hours until the big reveal. I worked third shift at the time. That night it occurred to me half way into my shift that in all the excitement that I had not thought about what I would tell my wife by way of an explanation. I thought about it all night. I got my friends involved, but all they could do was laugh and try to convince me that there was no way out.

After my shift I drove home and quietly walked around the side of my house into the backyard. Nope still dead. I thought a little and then a little more. I then decided it would just be best to come clean. There was a door into the bedroom off the back deck so I walked up to the door ready to admit my wrong doing and underhandedness. When my fingers touched the door I had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity. This moment of clarity was some like this.

WHAT? Am I about to surrender to a dead lawn? I am Tom fucking Nardone. Nobody beats me. I always win. Of course my friends told me that I was going to be in the dog house. That is how their minds work. I adapt. Most people would see this as a situation as a death sentence, whereas I, on the other hand, will transform this would be disaster, into stage on which I steal the hearts and minds of my audience (my wife). Let the show begin.

Lights, Camera, Action!

An angry Tom Nardone walks onto the scene

“DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT!!!! WHAT THE HELL MOTHER#$@% sh@t” and on and on and on. My wife, hearing my rage, came outside and asked “What’s the matter Tom” I said “What’s the matter? Look at my yard, just look at it I killed the whole thing it’s all dead! I sprayed it with weed and GRASS killer. This is what the guy at Home Depot recommended. All that work and now look at it.” I then kicked something off the porch and knocked over a broom.

She said “Hey sweetie calm down, calm down. You tried. This is not your fault. It will grow back, and look, you will be able to focus on the addition this summer” I said “are you sure you’re not mad?” She said “No. I’m not mad” I said “OK just give me a minute out here and let me calm down” She said “OK I will go make some coffee” I said “Thanks for not being mad babe” She said don’t worry about it sweetie” and then she went inside.

THE END

I will now, figuratively take a bow.

With no rehearsal, no second takes, and no script, I was the writer, producer, and director of a larger-than-life production. I did what would have undeniably brought Broadway to its knees, and I did it on the fly.

This scheme had a two pronged effect. First, I got out of doing any yard work for the entire spring and summer. Second, every time my wife saw the yard, she was reminded that I cared enough to try to make a difference. As it turned out, she was right about that. I made a tremendous difference; especially when the wind blew

I do not dispute that what I did, was deceptive, however if you will review the text, at NO time did I ever lie to her. The only things I said to her were that I would “fix” our yard. We certainly had different ideas about what that meant. The only other things I said to her about it was “look at the yard, I killed it. The whole thing is dead”, and “this is what the guy recommended” all of that was true.

This story is 100% true. Maybe you are the type of a person who likes a good moral to a story. What do you think about this one?

Don’t ever take a step backwards. I did not review my actions and figure out what we talked about and came up with some lie. don’t ever lie to your spouse. It makes for a bad marriage. I did not put this things in reverse. I shifted it into overdrive put the pedal to the floor, and gave the performance of a life time. If I had come clean with my wife; she would have been mad, I would have worked my ass off all summer and you would be on facebook reading a less awesome story written by a less awesome man. Because of me, The past ten minutes of your life have been completely kick-ass.

 I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

****Important announcement from Tom********

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