Smart Money w/ Tom Nardone.| Put Your Future in My Hands

dollar tomI disagree with the idea that you must save your money all your life so you can “retire with dignity”. What I do believe in; is being happy today. I place no importance on investments.

I want flat screen televisions, surround sound systems, computers, concert tickets, and video games. tomforbesI will not deprive myself of these things in the interest of something as insignificant as my future. I don’t want to put my money to work for me. I want to put it to use for me.

Where are you going to invest? Well, all my life I have heard “You should invest in real estate because the thing about land is they are not making any more of it”. Yah well, that maybe true but if you live in the Southeastern United States in 2012, and your money is tied up in real estate, than you may as well be broke.

There are a lot of economists or so-called financial experts out there. They talk about saving money and invest all you can. That is what is fucking up our economy. People are scared to spend money; “Oh no honey, they bombed the twin towers, I think we better wait to buy that bread making machine we wanted.” Okay, the guy that said that, Asshole. This Wall Street Journal reading shit-for-brains, and people like him, are causing the very thing they are afraid of. They are afraid because they are afraid.

Let me tell you a story about an asshole. I will pick a random name. How about ohhhh  Dick?Picture5 Okay Dick was at the racquet ball club with his buddies when all of a sudden the terrorists made an attack on this country. “Golly” he says. He races home and turns on the news. He watches it for a few hours. Then he switches off the TV, and turns to his wife. They decide that they need to cease and desist all unnecessary spending.

Dick stops buying his stupid designer dress shirts, and he stops buying Ipods, cell phones, things for his house. Dick feels it is best to put extra money into his mutual fund, or perhaps he will buy gold. Dick and his wife stop buying shit for the kids. They even curtail their children’s allowance and explain to them that there is uncertainty in this country, and we must all suffer. Dick’s position on this issue has now infected his entire family.

Now, Dick is home, and he feels safe and secure, but Dick has fallen short of helping this country. There are others who will fall victim to Dicks stiff monetary decisions. Let us not forget the poor sons of bitches working at Best Buy, The Gap, The Home Depot, and all the other places Dick likes to toss his money around. They are being laid-off and are now are out of work. Since these stores aren’t selling as much, they aren’t buying as much. Dick has now screwed the retailers.

Picture7It is not over yet. Dick’s hard-nosed approach to his own security has now infected the manufacturing people. In the end, a lot of people have been fired and naturally their lives are turned upside down. Now, there are even more people doing without the things in life that make life fun; and why? What is the cause of this? Dicks Fear; that’s what.

So I would say to Dick; “On behalf of the working people, your family, and your country, we all collectively raise are glasses and toast you as we say Thank You Dick, for drilling us all, right in the fucking ass”


There is hope however. You know this, because there is always hope from the man who has never given you anything but hope. He is your silver lining, your ray of hope, your light in the darkness, and the reason for the smile of anticipation that currently resides on your face. Who you ask?

It is I, and by I, I mean it is Tom Nardone. It will be my honor to represent the thinking part of this country. I will represent all the people who whether they know it or not, are helping to restore this country to greatness. I would never leave you feeling depressed, because I am Tom Nardone, and I am just better than that.

better tomOn the day of our fictitious terrorist attack, while Dick was spewing his destructive plan that would dismantle the nation’s economy; Tom Nardone took to the streets to fight the damage done by the terrorists, and the Dicks of this country. Armed with only his debit card, Tom entered best buy. He marched through all of the crowds of other like-minded Americans who knew our duty lied in stimulation of the economy. He purchased a giant TV, a new laptop, and an Ipod.

His heroic journey for you and all American took him to Wal-Mart, Staples, Big Lots, and the drive-through window at Starbucks. Tom Nardone thinking only of his country ventured outside of his comfort zone and took his wife out to dinner. He did not bitch or complain the whole time. He even tipped generously despite the fact that he is normally a cheap bastard.

Tom Nardone accomplished more positive growth in this country in four hours than all the Dicks on Wall Street combined. Tom Nardone is not just a great American. Tom Nardone is America.

(man that was some good bullshit)

I do feel a little bit hypocritical writing this. (but hear me out damn you!)

I am in a 401k at work. I am also in the company stock plan. Please know that I had no part in this decision.  It was my lovely wife Yvonne, who took it upon herself, to sign up for these programs. I didn’t even realize it was done until one week, I saw that my paycheck was less.

Picture2I was very angry. I went home and had a talk with her about it. She said ”No no no Tom, we are just using this to save money so when you want a big ticket item like a TV or a computer it won’t break us sweetie.” So far, I have gotten nothing for myself and the money is just sitting there. I know what’s gonna happen. Two years it will all just sit there building up. I will never get to spend it and we will just be stuck with the money.

Let me wrap this up with a quick illustration. Tell me if this sounds like a plan for a happy life.

For the first 65 years, you invest the lion-share of your income. You will live your life without buying yourself things that you really want. Because you feel you can’t afford them. Hey that’s OK because you are “saving for the future!!” Forget that TV. Forget that vacation, but hey here is a very attractive mutual fund. This is how you will live your life. You are very responsible.

CONGRATULATIONS!!! Now! Your day has come. It is the day that you have planned for yourPicture2 whole life. All the suffering, all of the smart money decisions you have made, everything you casually dismissed as “not nessesary” during your youth and adulthood, are finally about to pay off. It’s time to reap what you have sewn.

Yes, that’s right, you are 65 years old now. You are now entering THE GOLDEN YEARS, but wait a minute.

It seems those years of busting your ass in the working world have taken quite a toll on your body. Most likely your hearing is not so good. Chances are you can’t see as well as you once could. Your own body causes you pain every time you try to move it, and it doesn’t move nearly as fast as it used to. Does it? Your memory is also not what it used to be. It is OK though. You saved, you invested, and now this is what your life has become. The best part of all of this is

Picture2You have plenty of money to make it last as long as you can! Well done.

I am not going to live my life or make any decisions based on an imaginary number that goes floating across a stock ticker. I will never believe that the quality of my own life will be determined by how much money I decide to save or how much money I have when I turn the magic age of 65. I don’t judge people who invest. I don’t think less of them as people. They are doing what they feel is in their best interests.

I don’t want to have a plan for my life. I don’t want to know what I will be doing 20 years from now. I don’t want to know what I am doing 20 minutes from now. I live life in ten to fifteen minute increments, and I try to create a moment in everything I do.

For me, life is a series of moments and IRA stands for

i‘m right assholes

This has been Smart Money, I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

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17 thoughts on “Smart Money w/ Tom Nardone.| Put Your Future in My Hands

  1. Pingback: The Bodily Function Police | I AM TOM NARDONE

  2. bossymoksie

    Word. I am all about spending all my cash in the here and now.
    And that’s a great point about how not sepnding hurts the economy. Money was meant to be exchanged for stuff, not tightfisted by scaredy cats.


    1. iamtomnardone Post author

      Thank you bossy. I always enjoy reading you comments. If i can get my wife to be as irresponsible as me then I can get this new laptop that i want. I think i might have to make her read this .


    1. iamtomnardone Post author

      Hey Val.
      Both would be fantastic. But maybe you can do me a favor today. I’m having a really crappy day at work.

      Could you tell me how awesome my use of puns and innuendos throughout the article was.

      That would make me feel pretty good, and then I just might make it.

      Love you Val


      1. Valentine Logar

        Tom – your use of puns and innuendo is always awesome, it was particularly awesome in this article.

        The reason I come and read you is because you are funny and relevant. You are a good man with insight into the world around you and the ability to reveal this to others with humor rather than a hammer.

        Don’t let work get to you today, remember you have a wife who adores you. You are an awesome satirist. You make others smile and think. What more could you possibly want?



        1. iamtomnardone Post author

          Wow Val ,

          That is awesome. I was expecting a little pick-me-up from you.

          That was like offering Clark Kent a phone booth.

          I am back at 100% thanks Val up up and awayyyyy!


  3. ksbeth

    thanks for the hope tom. like you, i tend to spend or give away or enjoy every dollar that i make. i’ll worry about what to do when i’m 100, when i’m 100.


  4. BakoRamblinDad

    Even went out to dinner for his country. What an American! But I’m with you. Occasionally some coworkers bother me with “how much are u putting into retirement? 5%? 8%?” And I reply with 0%. “Well, u should” and I reply with ‘but I have bills NOW!’ I’ll deal with the future when I get there. Irresponsible? Maybe. But hell with it!


    1. iamtomnardone Post author

      I hate that man. Why do people think that it is acceptable to ask questions like that. The next time they ask you a personal question like that, you just tell them that you dont want to discuss that put if they want any other information about you that you would be happy to provide them with a stool sample and they would be free to do whatever they wanted with the information they gathered from that.

      Keep your pimp hand strong brother.


  5. jadereyner

    Wow – what a post, you should be proud! Firstly I just want to say that I hear what you are saying and I agree, kind of. I don’t invest, largely because I don’t have any money to invest!! However, I know so many people that have, and then have got to retirement with lots of money and have not been able to enjoy it so I salute your spend, spend, spend philosopshy – after all, you can’t take it with you! I am also well impressed on your summary of the economy and how we each, by deciding not to spend, have an impact on it for the future. But……. what happens if you get to 65, have spent all your money, retire, have no income and live til your 100?? And knowing you, I reckon that’s something you’d do, just to annoy everyone around you! Lol. Made me laugh as ever… and if you do have that pot of money and nowhere to spend it…… I accept PayPal….lol 🙂


    1. iamtomnardone Post author

      Thank you so much jade. If I live to be 100 I will certainly blog about how you make living with no Job, and no money.

      Yes I would do it out of spite. You crack me up lady. Thanks for the kind words.




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