“Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” is probably one of the most famous Christmas stories in the world. I find that sad. I cannot for the life of me, understand what it is about that story that any parent would like their child to learn.Christmas stories like that typically have an underlying message that teach kids some life lesson or help them to understand things about the world. Rudolph is no exception to that rule. It’s just the wrong lesson. Let me explain.
For those of you who have not heard the story. A beautiful reindeer is born, but he is a little different. He is not like the other reindeer. He has a shiny red nose that glows. It, through most of the story, causes him nothing but grief and bullshit; much like anybody who, God forbid, is different than others and the world just can’t seem to grasp this. With the exception of Rudolph’s mother, the entire town was on his ass for something he could not help, and something he could not change. He wasn’t like everyone else, so all the other asshole reindeer decide that they don’t like Rudolph because of this shiny red nose.
They laugh at him and they call him names. Rudolph’s father even covers his nose with a fake black one so that Santa Clause will find him acceptable. Yes, Santa. There is a scene where Santa, wobbles his jolly fat ass right into the shop where Rudolph’s dad was putting the finishing touches on his new black nose. Rudolph’s dad informs him that he has the nose problems well under control. He explains to Santa that it won’t be a problem, and that is son won’t embarrass him.
Rudolph has no friends, no family, and no support system. He for no reason was made to feel bad about himself. His own father and that White bearded, bag-toting, ho ho ho shouting, sack of shit that we all love across the globe, could not see the beauty in what was different about this gentle meek child reindeer.
Sometime later, a storm came in. It was a storm that could have halted Christmas. Santa was very concerned. (so he claimed) He was worried that all the poor little children in the world would have to go without the toys that his slave colony of elves has been working on all year. Santa did not have a clue, he did not have a plan, and he was screwed. Poor Santa standing outside watching the storm roll in, and he had nothing, but his dick in his hand.
Then all of a sudden, #Santa remembers Rudolph. He thinks to himself “Yah Rudolph That is the reindeer whose balls I have been busting all year. He is the one that has no friends and whose shitty depressing life I am in part responsible for.”
Yes, you see, it only in his time of need, occurred to St. Dick-o-less that Rudolph’s shiny red nose can be of service to him and to all the other bastards who ostracized him and shut him out. Their lives can now be easier with Rudolph’s nose.
So Santa, and Rudolph’s father, and all the other Shit-bag reindeer went to Rudolph, humble for the first time. Santa looking at the ground says “Hey Rudolph, as you know there is a storm coming and we are all really up shit creek here. Would you mind using your nose so that we can all see where in the Hell we are going tonight?”
OK, Now here comes the Bullshit.
Rudolph proudly agrees, to escort these “son of a bitching bastards.” He just tucked his tail and bailed these assholes out.
I would like to apologize on behalf of Director: Larry Roemer, and Writers: Robert May, Romeo Muller. Literarily speaking they have corn-holed us all. All these years you have had to know the story as it is and it is all because of these three assholes
Well your pain ends today. I, Tom Nardone, would like to present a more proper ending to this story. I now present the Tom Nardone ending.
“Hey Rudolph, as you know there is a storm coming and we are all really up shit creek here. Would you mind using your nose so that we can all see where in the Hell we are going tonight?” Rudolph agrees. (Now stay with me) So on the night they leave, the reindeer get harnessed up, and they all take to the air from the North Pole. Santa was relieved; he could not believe that his gelatinous ass was finally airborne, and everything worked out fine, or so it seemed.
Rudolph was at the head of the pack leading the way to spread Christmas cheer to the whole world. About twenty minutes into the flight, they were clear of land. Then Rudolph, seeing, that they were now flying over the ocean, breaks a sinister grin. He detaches himself from his harness and flies around alongside the sleigh and says to Santa and all the reindeer.
His nose increased its brightness casting a fiery red aura around himself as he spoke:
“ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE TREATED LIKE ANY OTHER REINDEER, AND INSTEAD I GOT KICKED IN THE NUTS. YOU CHOSE TO SHIT ON ME! I WANT EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU PRICKS TO THINK ABOUT THAT ON YOUR WAY TO HELL.
I WILL THIRST FOR THE TEARS YOU WILL SHED AS YOU CRASH INTO THE OCEAN, WHILE TRYING TO FLY THAT SON OF A BITCH BLIND!!
BEFORE YOU ALL DIE. KNOW THIS!! I AM GOING BACK TO CHRISTMAS TOWN, AND I’M GONNA BURN THAT MOTHERFU@%ER TO THE GROUND WHILE THE WHOLE TOWN SLEEPS!!!
YOU DOUCHEBAGS DENIED ME A MERRY CHRISTMAS, SO I WILL JUST MAKE MY OWN HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I WILL BE DRINKING A FIFTH OF YAGER, AND EATING VENICEN AS I STAND IN THE CREMATORY THAT YOU SONS OF BITCHES ONCE CALLED HOME
SO MERRY CHRISTMAS ASSHOLES, MERRY FU@%ING CHRISTMAS.
Rudolph then flew away leaving Santa and the other reindeer without any hope of survival.
I think if Rudolph had stood up for himself, like in my ending people might get the Idea of how it feels to be picked an and made fun of.THE END
I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.
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