Driving affords many things to many people. It can be an important rite-of-passage to a young man or woman to finally reach another milestone in journey toward adulthood. Driving can be a long-awaited trip to take with friends looking forward to spending time together. It can be a time for people to spend catching up or just hanging out. I, on the other hand, see driving as a bunch of bullshit that I must endure because someone or something has required my presence.
Unfortunately, it is also a chance for assholes to take their craft to the stage. It is a chance for the true gladiators to show the world that their life can always get just a little bit harder. Sadly though, they don’t even realize that they are at fault.
I am sympathetic though. It is difficult to hear with your head up your ass.
First up: “The Inactive Assholes”
These are the drivers who we judge based on their personalities or by the image they want to portray while they are on the road. This asshole is not being judged by his ability, or inability to drive their car. These people could actually be skilled drivers.
“The Bumper Sticker Asshole”
Introducing, “The Bumper Sticker Asshole” Apparently there are those that feel it is necessary to let the entire driving community know what they think about
- Lunatic at the wheel
EVERYTHING! (I am not blind to the irony of me speaking out against people who are giving their opinion) I will give them one bumper sticker. Do you think they could use their bumper sticker as an opportunity to entertain me? Can they not try to help me? I am in my car, with no air conditioner. I woke up and I had a choice to make. I could have either gotten up, and went to my job, or I could have just killed myself. Is it necessary that I be made to feel I have chosen incorrectly?
I don’t want to be reassured that you love your country. I don’t give a shit, how your kid is doing in school. I don’t care what side your ancestors were on during the civil war, or how proud of that you are. As far as I am concerned, your name is “Douche McBaggerson” You can go to hell. Just entertain or inspire me, and don’t clutter your whole windshield up with a bunch of bullshit. I only read so fast and when the light turns green, I have other assholes to worry about.
“The Wannabe Hot Rod Asshole”
Courtesy of cracked.com
Introducing “The Wannabe Hotrod Assholes” Honestly I understand that people should be allowed to spend their money on whatever they choose , but when I see a three hundred dollar car with three thousand dollar rims on the road I have to ask myself a question. Can the degenerate who made that decision possibly be capable of safely navigating his piece of shit through this city without killing someone? So far, I am not convinced.
“Look there is nothing wrong with buying, and driving a piece of shit car. Just accept that it is a piece of shit car. Embrace it. Be proud of it. Flaunt it. There is no need to mask it by spending money on stupid rims, decals, or a skank in the seat beside you. That just makes you and the car look like an asshole. No you’re right, cars can’t look like assholes, but yours does.
Believe me I have never owned a car that was not a piece of shit. I have never even washed a car that I have owned. I even referred to my old 81 Dodge Aries station wagon as a “The Dumpster”, but it didn’t have a spoiler or a hood scoop on it. I wasn’t painted lime green, and I was as proud as shit to be seen driving it down the road.”
“The Car Stereo Asshole”
These are the most annoying bastards that the seed of man has ever fouled the earth with. From where do they come? I can’t imagine a Hell that would admit them. They are not always around, but when they are you know because you can feel your car rattling. We will just refer to this sound as the “call of the asshole.” They have no self-awareness.
“Hey asshole, please don’t play any Led Zeppelin, Iron Maiden, Motley Crue, or any music that someone might actually want to here. That would screw up the whole annoying son of a bitch vibe you have going on. Why in the Hell are you out here on the road anyway. There couldn’t possibly be any one the planet who cares one way or the other if you show up or not. Why don’t you just put a shirt on, spin that stupid hat around and pretend that you are a man. Who knows? You might even some day convince the world that you are more than just a gaping shit-for-brains. For now, I would be fine if you just went to Hell”.
Safety Note: I will have to get a good look at the driver before I decide to engage him. I value my ass, and I don’t want a cap busted in it. A large or criminal looking driver will get no problem from this driver.
“The Volunteer Firemen Assholes”
Volunteer Firemen, are almost entirely made of heroes. Ned Hicks for example, I don’t know if anyone in the world has ever blurred the lines more between man and super hero. There is however, a small group of people in the south that use this as an excuse to drive around with a police band radio and flashing red lights on top of their trucks. This gives them a sense of importance and/or authority. Why should I have to alter my driving experience because this son of a bitch feels like he wants to go pretend to be firemen once or twice a year?
Note: While I am on the subject; why do firemen need an entire legion of Bubbas and Jethros to aid them? I personally do not need a team of people to help me eat, sleep, or watch TV. Why do they?
Last: Active Assholes
These are the “Proactive Assholes” or “Trouble-Making Assholes.” These are the people, who by their actions, cause others grief. These are the real problem on the road they are the source of everything that is shitty about driving.
“The Selfish Bastard Asshole”
The best example I could come up with for this would be Tom Nardone. Yes that is me. I made the cut this time. I am “The Selfish Bastard Asshole” I do not let anyone in front of me. I don’t worry about waving at you as a way to say thank you. I will block the intersection if I think there is the slightest chance I can make it across.
My “Assholistic” driving issues are not just outward. They are inward as well. When I have my family in the car I am not only in complete control, I am also in complete command. I don’t care who is in the car with me. The air is controlled by me. The seat position is controlled by me. I decide who sits where and I control the damn music selection. My purpose for driving is for me to get from one place to another without getting pissed off in the process. Everybody who is benefitting by my willingness to drive has one job and one job only. They are to make every effort to ensure that I am happy, that I feel good, and that I have zero bullshit to contend with. I am the driver. I if you want to be an asshole fine. You can drive. I don’t consider myself above any other person, but if I am the driver, you are secondary.
“The Good Samaritan Asshole” (Sure as hell not me.)
Let me to paint you a picture. It is bumper to bumper traffic. The sun is beating the hell out of you because your car is going too slow to generate the necessary RPM’s to get the air conditioner to work. Traffic is standing still, and you can’t figure out why. We have all been there. Well, once I do start moving, there is no way I am going to stop and let someone turn left to go into the mall or some silly little restaurant. There is no way anyone is going to pull out in front of me. I will ride a car’s bumper in front of me, and since I drive a piece of shit, let them try to get their car in front of mine.
Their does however, always seem to be some good-Samaritan, or a servant to the driving world in front of me who feels they are making the world a better place one car at a time by being a courteous driver. They will let people turn left in front of them,(and me) they will let people pull out in front of them(and me) two or three at a time.
Sometimes, if I am in the right mood, I will stand on my horn until they realize they are pissing me and many other drivers off in some underhanded attempt to make themselves feel helpful to the world. This forces them to ask themselves “Hey is helping these people worth the embarrassment it is causing me?” The answer usually seems to be “No” Because I stop honking when they start moving
Introducing: “The Cell Phone Asshole”
I hate the sight any driver talking on their cell phones. There is really only one thing about seeing people talk on their phones while driving that infuriates me, but it is a BIG
Hello? Dick McPrickerson here.
one. During heavy traffic I am at a red light with this clown in front of me. The light turns green, but they don’t realize this because they are apparently on some urgent phone call that has is more important than everything I have planned to do for the day. They think I don’t mind waiting for them. If I see them talking on the phone at the light before it turns green, I am anticipating a delay and I have my right hand ready in the honking position. I give them literally 1 second to get their piece of shit moving, and then, they get “The Horn”. Not just a friendly honk either. I stand on it even after we have cleared the intersection. I have given people a single blast of my horn that has exceeded 15 seconds. Yes, I keep honking after they are moving. I want them to know that there is a bigger asshole at the wheel behind them, and that he demands some professional courtesy. It also tells them that I am not interested in a repeat performance at the next light. Sometimes they will actually hang up the phone. That is a rare and sweet victory. It is at that moment I consider myself the hero driver
“The Speeding Asshole”
This means you asshole
I really hate a driver who speeds. I am not saying that I obey every law in this country, but I do not speed. My wife hates when I drive because I have an obsessive need to maintain the speed limit. It’s not just because I believe it is safe.
If I get a ticket, then that means I will have a court date looming over me. I will spend a week or two dreading a day that I will have to take off work, and leave the house, so I can go to court and deal with this by writing a check. It just isn’t worth it.
The interstates are usually where these particular assholes come out of the wood work. There are more of them, than all the others combined. What really bugs me about them is that it’s not enough for them to just drive fast. They seem to think that I support their need to put lives at risk. When I drive down the highway I usually do prefer the right lane anyway, however, if the left lane happens to be a smoother ride, I will choose the left lane. The car behind me will wait for an opportunity to pass me in the right lane. Now if they get pulled over, that is two things they can get ticketed for.
One thing I have noticed is when they do end up having to pass me on the right, they always look at me. They just have to see what I look like. I don’t do it anymore, but years ago, I would have a little sign in my car. It was a paint stirrer stick with a piece of card board tapped to it. It simply read “I LOVE YOU” That really made them mad.
“The Parking Assholes”
Yes, I know parking is a bitch. There are so many cars entering and exiting parking places all day, and that is bad enough, or is it?
Well, not for some people. There is always that driver who will drive around and around until that perfect place opens up that they can cruise right into. They make driving shitty for you and me.
I remember one time I was behind this stupid lady and the perfect place opened up, but she went forward a little too far. She needed to back up in order to enter this magical spot. She (without even looking at me) sticks her hand out the window and starts waving me back as if me taxiing an airplane. I of course, being Tom Nardone, pulled forward even more to ensure that she would be unsuccessful in her attempt. She tried to wait me out. Yah right. When that didn’t work, she only then, tried politeness, but that didn’t matter because she already became a blip on my asshole radar. She stuck her head out of the window and politely said “Sir could you back up just a little so I can have this spot” I replied, also in a polite tone, “No ma’am I won’t but thank you for asking, and please feel free to take all the time you need. That parking place is my destiny and I have nothing to do all day but wait for it.”. I did not know until that day that a station wagon could burn rubber. I did take the spot. It was nice. At that moment I became the “it serves you right driver”
On turn signals; I do not require any driver to use their turn signal mainly because I don’t believe them anyway. A turn signal just indicates what direction a person thinks they are going. I do not pay any attention to them anymore.
On the horn; this is a very important part of my car, second only to the brakes. There are several different ways I honk my horn. If I am of good cheer, then maybe I might
just use “The Bump” (this courtesy is not afforded to people on their cell phones). This is a simple quick blast of the horn. It is an almost friendly sound that sort of says “Hey buddy the light is green now just so you know.” It is the subtlest of horns.
There is also “The Push”. This is for people who are day dreaming. There is no real malice a forethought while using “The Push”, but there is also no real acknowledgement of the drivers feelings either. “The Push” is also used if I am picking someone up and I simply need to alert them from the driveway.
My personal favorite is without a doubt “The Stand”. This is for anybody who meets my own personal list of things that qualify them as an asshole. This is the one that calms the angry beast inside me. Sometimes using this horn makes it worth being out in traffic. There is nothing like that long blast of my horn to indicate to the driver in front of me, that they are a shithead. It also provides this moron with all the public embarrassment and unwanted attention they need to help themselves to make better decisions in the future. It also alerts any other driver in the area that there is a stupid ass among us, and that they should be wary of their presence. I do always make exceptions for certain people. Those would be: handicap people, old people, and of course there is no need to gain any extra attention from police officers. Police cars are the only government vehicles that are exempt from my training program. As I said before, I value my ass and I don’t want it thrown in jail. I do consider it a public service to provide this free training to the general driving public, and though I ask no credit for this act of good will, I have probably saved countless lives all over the country. I hope that is something that will always be said about Tom Nardone; “He gave till it hurt”.
Four Way Stops
On 4 way stops; there seems to be a lot of confusion at 4-way stop signs. There are way too many of them in my area. One thing I used to find annoying is when you get to the
stop sign and nobody seems to know whose turn it is. I finally figured that out. If I come to a 4 way stop and there is any confusion as to whose turn it is, then it is automatically by default, my turn. This has made it much easier.
Thank you for riding with me. I hope you enjoyed the trip. See you on the road.
Feel free to mention any assholes that I forgot.