Monthly Archives: April 2013

Telemarketers, I Am Begging You All. Come Back!!

 

tommyIt doesn’t happen so much anymore. Telemarketers calling you at your home at night between 6pm-9pm, asking for you to join something, or buy something. I can’t begin to describe how much I miss that.

I know many of you find that odd. I would say to you that your attitude toward it is flawed. I believe that the world is a stage, and when that phone would ring, it was like the lights going out, the curtain rolls up and the music ques for “The Tom Nardone Show”

In my entire life, I have never heard a more beautiful sound than that, of my own voice. A sales call was a chance for me to really showcase my awesomeness to a brand new, unsuspecting member of my global audience. I can say anything I can be anyone. It is like a trip back through a childhood make believe wonderland.

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These days it seems that computers do all the work. Machines  call my house with a pre-recorded message. That really is a shame because telemarketers were in my opinion, an untapped source of entertainment.

I did realize that these people were human beings, and they are just trying to support their families. I am also aware that their lives hold a greater purpose than to provide me with entertaining anecdotes, however I work for 8 hours a day.

BUT….To be fair to my family and friends, when I come home from work, I have a very low tolerance for bullshit. I refuse to allow it in my presence.

If I wont take it from my own friends and family, then there is no way in Hell I’m going to allow some stranger to get away with it? SHIT NO! Because I am Tom Nardone, and I am Awesome, and I respect my friends ans family. It is all of them that I will use to justify my assholistic behavior. So now I will present to you “The Tom Nardone Show”

The following are some real life examples of things I have said to real telemarketers.

Olan Mills Photography Studios 

Ring………….Ring…………..Ring
TOM: Hello.
Olan Mills: Yes, is this Mr. Nardone?
TOM: Yes it is.
Olan Mills: Hi Mr. Nardone this is Rachel at Olan Mills Photo Studios, how are you tonight?

Family Photo, Anchorage, AK
TOM: I am wonderful Rachel. How are you?
Olan Mills: I’m fine, Thanks
TOM: what can I do for you?
Olan Mills: We would like to invite you and your family to come down and have a free family portrait taken, with no obligation to buy, and just for coming in you’llreceive a free 5×8 picture at absolutely no cost to you. How does that sound?

TOM: Well Rachel, first off, It was very nice of you to take the time to include my family in what seems to be a pretty amazing opportunity, but my uncle is a photographer, with National Geographic, and he takes all our pictures.
Olan Mills: Wow, National Geographic, I’ll bet you have beautiful family pictures
TOM:Yes they are beautiful. I would go so far as to say they are almost perfect.The only real issue I have with them is that my brother is very insistant that my whole family be photographed naked while squating around a camp fire.

Olan Mills:HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA

Tom: CLICK

I really felt that she was a nice girl. I was not in a bad mood, and i thought that this would give her a nice story to go home and tell her family about. Everybody won and no one was upset in any way. It was a true thing of beauty.

ADT Security Systems

Ring………….Ring…………..Ringburglar tom
TOM: Hello.
ADT: Yes, is this Mr. Nardone?
TOM:Yes it is.
ADT: Hi Mr. Nardone this is Bob at ADT, how are you tonight?
TOM: I am wonderful Bob. How are you?
ADT: I’m fine, Thanks
TOM: what can I do for you?
ADT: I just wanted to call and let you know we will be in your area talking to your neighbors about home security systems. What would be a good time to come by and see you
TOM: Bob I really appreciate the call, but to have one of your security alarms would really present a conflict of interest  for me
ADT: How is that Mr. Nardone?
TOM: I have spent the last 6 years as a professional burglar and as a burglar I don’t think it would be fair to put my self in a position of security, while at the same time depriving others from the same piece of mind that I would be receiving,  But Hey! Let me ask you this. Are you hiring installers? I can think of nothing I could do that would more effectively prepare me than to sharpen my skills, While learning the ins and outs of your security system.
ADT: Sir you are talking about breaking and entering. That is against the law. No. We would not want you as one of our installers

TOM:Bob it sounds like you are judging me. Yes it sounds like you take issue with the way I choose to make my living.

ADT: Well sir, what you do is illegal

TOM: OK  Bob, Point taken. If I am hearing you right, You feel that what I do is illegal. Maybe you think what I do is a disruption to the lives of our community, causing them  to go through an agonizing experience that no one should have to endure. That is what I don’t understand. You are also involved in an illegal act. When you called it was five minutes after the 9:00pm when telemarketers are supposed to cease all calling. I did not judge you for that.

ADT: Uh sir don….(Tom interupts)

Wait Bob. it sounds like both of us have been living our lives in the shadows. We have both been collecting paychecks for causing so many people so much pain. I have an idea, but it is going to require a really big commitment on your part. I put down my crowbar and you put down you phone. Yah that’s what I am saying, I think both of us should quit our jobs. What do you say Bob? Let’s both of us, starting tomorrow, and really make an effort to walk the straight and narrow. Are you with me?

ADT: Shithead!! Click

This was something that I fear I will never again get to experience. I will miss those annoying bastards. I would ask you all to resist the temptation to call me, posing as one of these people. I know your heart is in the right place, but it just wouldnt be the same

I am Tom Nardone, and You Are Welcome!

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ADD | You Will Find What You Look For.

,So Why Don’t You Just Look for an Adventure

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There is a lot written on ADD/ADHD. To be honest, I don’t read most of it. The reason for this is that I find most (not all) of them incredibly boring. They are quite typical; list the symptoms, list the medication and/or treatment options, and then  offer a supportive wish you well, or good luck on their blogs which are covered with advertisements. They also almost always address ADD as a problem, and a problem only. I feel by doing this they are scaring and misinforming there readers.

 The majority of these articles are written by doctors. Doctors are used to treating problems, so I guess it would stand to reason that they should write about ADD in that context. There are two types of people who write these articles; Doctors and those with ADD. I think most people feel better reading something written by a doctor, rather than by someone with ADD. Because if a doctor said it, than it can’t be wrong.  Don’t kid yourself. Believe it or not, sometimes doctors are wrong. They are only human, and while doctor written articles can be informative, and important, they are seldom inspiring. I write on ADD to inspire, encourage, and mostly to entertain people who are frantic or fearful of this dreaded title.

So, allow me to inspire you.

English: Albert Einstein Français : Portrait d...

So, you or loved one is messy….. Albert Einstein said “A messy desk is a sign of a genius.” I will tell you that I have been living in my home for seven years and my wife would tell you that I have been cleaning it for that exact amount of time. I would say that the only thing in my life that is organized is this website.

So, what about daydreaming? Is it necessarily a bad thing all of a sudden for someone to have an active or creative mind? People say that people with ADD have trouble paying attention. I’m sure some teachers feel better believing that. The truth is that people with ADD have trouble paying attention to things that are not interesting to them. Is it a teachers job to teach the class, or is their job just to simply stand up and read the lesson plan each week?  Ask your son or daughter to explain to you, everything they learned in school that day. Then ask them to tell you about a video game they play. See what takes longer.

Yes, children with ADD blurt out whatever they might be thinking. I would rather know what is on my kid’s mind, rather than wonder. That beats the absolute shit out of trying to pry information from them. Parents will know your child better as a result of this. While there blurts might not be appropriate sometimes, they will always be entertaining. Try embracing that, rather than snuffing it out. You know how many parents have kids that won’t talk to them? Too many.

So, your loved one is over-sensitive. I really fail to see a downside to this. Parents with ADD kids know better than anyone, that some kids are mean little bastards. So, you get down on your hands and knees and thank God for your child’s “Over-sensitivity” I spent years in school being picked on. My fellow students seemed to enjoy picking on me more than recess. My entire elementary career was an absolute daily hell. I would rather not ever believe that a child of mine was inflicting that same pain on another child.

You have a choice. You can decide that you or your loved one has a problem that will complicate their life. You can constantly remind them that they have some handicap that prevents them from being more than they are. You can continue feeling sorry for them, crying for them, or wishing they were not the way they are, thereby reinforcing the stigma that so many others have drilled into their heads there whole life. You can deny them medication because you are worried about what the other asshole parents will think about your parenting skills.

OR

You can have a backbone. You can tell your friends, your piers, your family, or anyone else who believes them less than what they are to just go to hell. You can stand up and be a proud and supportive parent, husband, wife, Mom, or Dad. You can realize that “The Fleas come with the dog” If you believe them inferior, they will believe it too.  You can realize that you are lucky that you have someone that will never fall into the cookie cutter mentality of believing that the things they do, and say should be decided based on what is done by the “NORMAL PEOPLE”. I think the thing I would least like to be is ordinary.

I think people with ADD are, in many ways, that which some others are afraid to be. Some normal people don’t want to change out of their pajamas to go to the store, but they do. Some normal people want to tell other people what they think, or how they feel, but they don’t. They sit there quietly worrying about what others might think. They are afraid to be who they are.

Lifes Highway (1)Those of us with ADD will go down our own path. We will eventually get down life’s highway, but we will stop at many exits where we will create moments, and have adventures, but nothing in life is worth doing, if it must be done alone or in the absence of the people we love and care for.

So, your loved one has ADD. I will give you the best advice that anyone could ever give you, and that is quite simply this. “Enjoy the ride.”

I am Tom Nardone and You Are Welcome.

Brody Bricker Vol II. | Brody Bricker Makes the News!!

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The Adventures of: Brody Bricker

VOL. II

Brody Makes the News


Brody Bricker was one of my best friends growing up. He lived to cause trouble. He would do anything to get a reaction out of someone. He had absolutely no conscience, and the only time I ever saw him smile, was after causing any kind of mayhem.

I have changed his name, the names of his victims, and the names of any businesses that might have suffered at the expense of his entertainment.

These are his stories

Ladies and Gentlemen, Brody Bricker

It was never a good idea t cross Brody. He would always come out on top. He never lost because he had no fear and no conscience about anything he ever did

One Saturday Brody and I decided to go to the movies. We were taking a short cut through the woods to go to the movie theatre. We had done this many time before, but this time we ran into some kids who were playing in a tree house. We tried to just ignore them, but they had some problem with us cutting through their yard and told us to go around. We said we were sorry, and we started to go around, but that suddenly was not good enough either. They wanted to fight. One of the kids said “Now we are gonna kick your asses” Brody said great which one of you assholes wants to go first.

I did not want to fight, but if they were going to insist, then fine. Two of them came forward one at me and one at brody. The rest of them scurried up the tree house ladder to get a better view. We were doing great and the kids we were fighting ran away, then the kids in the tree house started yelling and throwing things at us. We got out of there just in case their parents might decide to come out, and raise hell about the two of us beating the hell out of their idiot sons.

Brody was furious. He was enjoying beating those other kids up. I was the only person he ever hung around with, so he did not have many chances to kick anybody’s ass. He was even angrier that we ended up not going to see the movie that he had been waiting to go see.

Later that night I was spending the night with him and as usual we snuck out. Brody said to me “Tom, wait here for just a minute” He came back with a duffel bag and said “OK let’s go.” I didn’t know where we were going, and he wouldn’t tell me because he did not want me to chicken out, which I definitely would have.

As we were walking through the woods I said “Brody we are going through the woods. Why didn’t you just tell me we’re going to the movies?” He said “We aren’t going to the movies tonight.” When he said that I figured out what we were doing. I knew we were going back to the tree house where those kids were playing. When we got there Brody told me to stay where I was he would only be a minute. He climbed the chain linked fence that surrounded the yard where the tree house stood. He quietly snuck through the yard and went up the ladder, and into the tree house.

treehouse5-11-06 006I should note that this was not some half-ass tree house. The person who built this took time and money to make it very beautiful. It had a shingled roof and siding. Brody later told me that it even had a refrigerator and lights in it.

He was in there for 5 very long minutes. He of course, emptied the refrigerator into the duffel bag, along with any other snacks, or things of value. Finally I saw him coming out of the tree house and down the ladder. I gave a sigh of relief but this night had only just begun.

I noticed Brody was messing with some string on the way down the ladder. He then pulled out a lighter and lit the string. The string started burning very fast, I remember watching the flame as it was traveling up toward the tree house. All of a sudden WAHHHHH!! Out of the windows came a giant cloud of orange flames. Brody wasn’t counting on the flames to be so bright. I had no idea what the hell he was doing until I saw the flames. I completely freaked out, and ran back towards his house which was a good mile through the woods at night. He jumped the fence and said “Tom, we better haul some ass” I was so far ahead that I barely heard him. We were running through the woods, and within 2 minutes we could hear the fire engine horns and sirens. I turned back and saw flashing blue and red lights through the woods. I didn’t care to sight see for long. We got back to house and went right to bed. Brody wanted to talk about it, because he was so proud of the mayhem he had caused. I was too scared. I felt like a criminal.

I went home the next morning because it was too scary to be at Brody’s anymore for the weekend. My dad was watching cartoons when I got home. As I walked in the door, my dad said ”Hey your home early. You want to watch Tom & Jerry” That sounded safe enough so I said “Sure.” I always enjoyed watching cartoons with my dad.

I was watching cartoons with dad for a while. I actually started to forget about what had happened the night before. I had gotten past it, and then the morning news came on. It was the tree house. The news was there covering an arson investigation. Apparently the entire tree house burned up, along with the tree, and a shed. They showed the kids whose tree house it was, and they were crying. My dad said “Boy, Tommy, what kind of sick sons of bitches would burn down a little kid’s tree house?”  I said “Only the meanest kind of person dad”

I no sooner said that and the phone rang. Oh God!!!! I knew it was brody. He saw the news like I did and he wanted to brag and tell me how awesome it was that his work was being covered by the news media. I jumped up and got the phone and said “Hello” it was Brody He said “Are you watching the news” I said “Yes” He said “Did you see those assholes crying? And we even got their dick dad’s shed as a bonus” I said “OK I will be over later today.” And then I hung up.  Dad says “was that your friend Brody?” I said “Yes” He said “That sounds like some shit he would do.” I simply and truthfully replied “I was with him all night dad”.

I am Tom Nardone, and You Are Welcome!

Two Week Notice? HELLLLL NO!!

Two Week Notice? HELL NO!! 


Picture5There is an idea in this country that when you decide to leave a job, “The right thing to do” is to notify your current employer two weeks in advance. Of course we all understand that you are vital to your company’s future. If you were you to leave suddenly, things would be difficult for them. How difficult would they be? Imagine…. if you were to leave your job.get the fuck out

Do this for me. Close your eyes…wait, wait, wait. Don’t close your eyes. I forgot you were reading. Just ask yourself which of the following two scenarios sound the most reasonable, and be honest, I would ask that you take this seriously.

You have found another job. They needed you to start immediately. Realizing that you cannot give a notice, you enter your boss’s office and tell him you are leaving.

All of a sudden a chaotic whirlwind, capable of ripping out the heart and soul of a corporation out. It begins to destroy the very spirit of their core values. ALAS, black clouds roll in with no regard for the tears being shed by every member of the board of directors. This ungodly terror ripps into the walls of the building, and pierces the very walls of the cooperate fatcat’s’ high rise, over-furnished, cigar smelling offices. They are trembling  in the wake of this colossal Shit-storm.  There is no amount of money, no attorney, and no sacrifice; blood or otherwise, that they could offer up to the gods of Wallstreet, that will satisfy its hunger. Everyone (except you) will go swirling down a financial vortex of whatever might be left of what was once a mighty corporate powerhouse.

Inevitably, this company, in the span of 24 hours, has perished. Hopes are gone. Dreams are lost. A staple in our economy is dead.

getout

but yoooouuuu…… You’re gonna be OK.

You could have prevented this. You could have saved everyone. You could have circumvented all this suffering. You had the only thing that could have saved this multi-million dollar corporation, and you withheld it.

My my my, a two week notice. I hope you enjoyed them, and I hope you remember them one day on your way to HELL!!!!!

OR

You enter your boss’s office and tell him you are leaving, and less than a week later, The company you once believed only floated as a result of your efforts is doing just fine without you.  It would be just as if you were never there. You will be a memory, and nothing more.

nedI know a lot of you would like to think that option A best describes your situation. Maybe it does, but I don’t believe most of us can make that claim.

Leaving a notice is all well and good for them. Doing that does not seem to serve me in any way, and of course in the end, it is all about me, and it’s all about you.

I have quit a lot of jobs. Some jobs I have left notice and some I have not. If I am not needed right away I am happy to leave a notice. If I am needed right away, then my current employer can go hump a stump.

I have also been fired from a lot of jobs. I don’t understand why the employees of America are held to a higher standard of ethics than that of “Corporate America”. In all the times that I have been fired no one ever came over and said “Hey Tom there is not a problem here today, but two weeks from today,  you can consider yourself shit-canned.”

No. It never did happen that way. It was always one of two ways;

joeIt was either “Hey Tom, listen man, I am sorry to tell you this, but we have not been getting as many orders as we counted on so we just aren’t going to be able to keep you on the payroll. I really am sorry. You did a good job and we will call you if we need you back, but we have to let you go.”or they would just say  “TOM, GET YOUR SHIT, AND GET THE F%#@ OUT OF MY BUILDING! RIGHT NOW YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!!!!”  (true story)

When you get fired you have no income, no insurance, no security, no peace of mind, and no idea what you are going to do. And men, you know this if you weren’t already thinking it. You are not getting laid either. Just forget about that. Your wife is going to do nothing but talk and ask questions every waking moment of every day until you get shit back in order.(apparently that is our duty)

What I am saying is if you can leave a two week notice, and you want to leave a two week notice, do it. If you don’t want to leave a two week notice, than you should feel free to leave them high and dry, the same way, they would leave you, and have left me. If you feel guilty then justify it on my behalf. You look them right in the eye and you say. “I quit damn it and you can consider my departure on equal footing with the middle finger of Tom Nardone, sticking in you face.” Feel free to use me to appease your guilty conscience.

Maybe a compromise is best. Call them on the phone and say ”Hello this is Joe Smith. I’m calling to leave you my notice.

Yah, I want you to Notice that even though you keep putting my name on the schedule, I won’t be coming in to work.”

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

I would love to hear any stories about you quitting a shitty job like a hero, or getting fired like a zero.

Tom Nardone’s Driving Museum of A##holes!!

Nobody loves these people. Where the Hell are they going.

db

Driving affords many things to many people. It can be an important rite-of-passage to a young man or woman to finally reach another milestone in journey toward adulthood. Driving can be a long-awaited trip to take with friends looking forward to spending time together. It can be a time for people to spend catching up or just hanging out. I, on the other hand, see driving as a bunch of bullshit that I must endure because someone or something has required my presence.

Unfortunately, it is also a chance for assholes to take their craft to the stage. It is a chance for the true gladiators to show the world that their life can always get just a little bit harder. Sadly though, they don’t even realize that they are at fault.

I am sympathetic  though. It is difficult to hear with your head up your ass.

First up: “The Inactive Assholes”

These are the drivers who we judge based on their personalities or by the image they want to portray while they are on the road. This asshole is not being judged by his ability, or inability to drive their car. These people could actually be skilled drivers.

Introducing:

“The Bumper Sticker Asshole”

Introducing, “The Bumper Sticker Asshole” Apparently there are those that feel it is necessary to let the entire driving community know what they think about

Bumper sticker car parked in Santa Cruz, Calif...
Lunatic at the wheel

EVERYTHING! (I am not blind to the irony of me speaking out against people who are giving their opinion) I will give them one bumper sticker. Do you think they could use their bumper sticker as an opportunity to entertain me? Can they not try to help me?  I am in my car, with no air conditioner. I woke up and I had a choice to make. I could have either gotten up, and went to my job, or I could have just killed myself. Is it necessary that I be made to feel I have chosen incorrectly?

I don’t want to be reassured that you love your country. I don’t give a shit, how your kid is doing in school. I don’t care what side your ancestors were on during the civil war, or how proud of that you are. As far as I am concerned, your name is “Douche McBaggerson” You can go to hell. Just entertain or inspire me, and don’t clutter your whole windshield up with a bunch of bullshit. I only read so fast and when the light turns green, I have other assholes to worry about.

Introducing:

“The Wannabe Hot Rod Asshole”

Courtesy of cracked.com

Courtesy of cracked.com

Introducing “The Wannabe Hotrod Assholes” Honestly I understand that people should be allowed to spend their money on whatever they choose , but when I see a three hundred dollar car with three thousand dollar rims on the road I have to ask myself a question. Can the degenerate who made that decision possibly be capable of safely navigating his piece of shit through this city without killing someone? So far, I am not convinced.

“Look there is nothing wrong with buying, and driving a piece of shit car. Just accept that it is a piece of shit car. Embrace it. Be proud of it. Flaunt it. There is no need to mask it by spending money on stupid rims, decals, or a skank in the seat beside you. That just makes you and the car look like an asshole. No you’re right, cars can’t look like assholes, but yours does.

Believe me I have never owned a car that was not a piece of shit. I have never even washed a car that I have owned. I even referred to my old 81 Dodge Aries station wagon as a “The Dumpster”, but it didn’t have a spoiler or a hood scoop on it. I wasn’t painted lime green, and I was as proud as shit to be seen driving it down the road.”

Introducing:

“The Car Stereo Asshole”

These are the most annoying bastards that the seed of man has ever fouled the earth with. From where do they come? I can’t imagine a Hell that would admit them. They are dbbnot always around, but when they are you know because you can feel your car rattling. We will just refer to this sound as the “call of the asshole.” They have no self-awareness.

“Hey asshole, please don’t play any Led Zeppelin, Iron Maiden, Motley Crue, or any music that someone might actually want to here. That would screw up the whole annoying son of a bitch vibe you have going on. Why in the Hell are you out here on the road anyway. There couldn’t possibly be any one the planet who cares one way or the other if you show up or not. Why don’t you just put a shirt on, spin that stupid hat around and pretend that you are a man. Who knows? You might even some day convince the world that you are more than just a gaping shit-for-brains. For now, I would be fine if you just went to Hell”.

Safety Note: I will have to get a good look at the driver before I decide to engage him. I value my ass, and I don’t want a cap busted in it. A large or criminal looking driver will get no problem from this driver.

Introducing:

“The Volunteer Firemen Assholes”

Volunteer Firemen, are almost entirely made of heroes. Ned Hicks for example, I don’t know if anyone in the world has ever blurred the lines more between man and super hero. There is however, a small group of people in the south that use this as an excuse to drive around with a police band radio and flashing red lights on top of their trucks. This gives them a sense of importance and/or authority.  Why should I have to alter my driving experience because this son of a bitch feels like he wants to go pretend to be firemen once or twice a year?

Note: While I am on the subject; why do firemen need an entire legion of Bubbas and Jethros to aid them? I personally do not need a team of people to help me eat, sleep, or watch TV. Why do they?

Last: Active Assholes

These are the “Proactive Assholes” or “Trouble-Making Assholes.” These are the people, who by their actions, cause others grief. These are the real problem on the road they are the source of everything that is shitty about driving.

Introducing:

“The Selfish Bastard Asshole”

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ASSHOLE

Driver-showng-middle-finger2The best example I could come up with for this would be Tom Nardone. Yes that is me. I made the cut this time. I am “The Selfish Bastard Asshole” I do not let anyone in front of me. I don’t worry about waving at you as a way to say thank you. I will block the intersection if I think there is the slightest chance I can make it across.

My “Assholistic” driving issues are not just outward. They are inward as well. When I have my family in the car I am not only in complete control, I am also in complete command. I don’t care who is in the car with me. The air is controlled by me. The seat position is controlled by me. I decide who sits where and I control the damn music selection. My purpose for driving is for me to get from one place to another without getting pissed off in the process. Everybody who is benefitting by my willingness to drive has one job and one job only. They are to make every effort to ensure that I am happy, that I feel good, and that I have zero bullshit to contend with. I am the driver. I if you want to be an asshole fine. You can drive. I don’t consider myself above any other person, but if I am the driver, you are secondary.

Introducing:

 “The Good Samaritan Asshole” (Sure as hell not me.)

no picLet me to paint you a picture. It is bumper to bumper traffic. The sun is beating the hell out of you because your car is going too slow to generate the necessary RPM’s to get the air conditioner to work. Traffic is standing still, and you can’t figure out why. We have all been there. Well, once I do start moving, there is no way I am going to stop and let someone turn left to go into the mall or some silly little restaurant. There is no way anyone is going to pull out in front of me. I will ride a car’s bumper in front of me, and since I drive a piece of shit, let them try to get their car in front of mine.

Their does however, always seem to be some good-Samaritan, or a servant to the driving world in front of me who feels they are making the world a better place one car at a time by being a courteous driver. They will let people turn left in front of them,(and me) they will let people pull out in front of them(and me) two or three at a time.

Sometimes, if I am in the right mood, I will stand on my horn until they realize they are pissing me and many other drivers off in some underhanded attempt to make themselves feel helpful to the world. This forces them to ask themselves “Hey is helping these people worth the embarrassment it is causing me?” The answer usually seems to be “No” Because I stop honking when they start moving

Introducing

 Introducing: “The Cell Phone Asshole”

I hate the sight any driver talking on their cell phones. There is really only one thing about seeing people talk on their phones while driving that infuriates me, but it is a BIG

Person using cell phone while driving.

Hello? Dick McPrickerson here.

one. During heavy traffic I am at a red light with this clown in front of me. The light turns green, but they don’t realize this because they are apparently on some urgent phone call that has is more important than everything I have planned to do for the day. They think I don’t mind waiting for them. If I see them talking on the phone at the light before it turns green, I am anticipating a delay and I have my right hand ready in the honking position. I give them literally 1 second to get their piece of shit moving, and then, they get “The Horn”. Not just a friendly honk either. I stand on it even after we have cleared the intersection. I have given people a single blast of my horn that has exceeded 15 seconds. Yes, I keep honking after they are moving. I want them to know that there is a bigger asshole at the wheel behind them, and that he demands some professional courtesy. It also tells them that I am not interested in a repeat performance at the next light. Sometimes they will actually hang up the phone. That is a rare and sweet victory. It is at that moment I consider myself the hero driver

Introducing

“The Speeding Asshole”

A typical speed limit sign in the United State...

This means you asshole

I really hate a driver who speeds. I am not saying that I obey every law in this country, but I do not speed. My wife hates when I drive because I have an obsessive need to maintain the speed limit. It’s not just because I believe it is safe.

If I get a ticket, then that means I will have a court date looming over me. I will spend a week or two dreading a day that I will have to take off work, and leave the house, so I can go to court and deal with this by writing a check. It just isn’t worth it.

The interstates are usually where these particular assholes come out of the wood work. There are more of them, than all the others combined. What really bugs me about them is that it’s not enough for them to just drive fast. They seem to think that I support their need to put lives at risk. When I drive down the highway I usually do prefer the right lane anyway, however, if the left lane happens to be a smoother ride, I will choose the left lane. The car behind me will wait for an opportunity to pass me in the right lane. Now if they get pulled over, that is two things they can get ticketed for.

One thing I have noticed is when they do end up having to pass me on the right, they always look at me. They just have to see what I look like. I don’t do it anymore, but years ago, I would have a little sign in my car. It was a paint stirrer stick with a piece of card board tapped to it. It simply read “I LOVE YOU” That really made them mad.

Introducing:

 “The Parking Assholes”

Yes, I know parking is a bitch. There are so many cars entering and exiting parking places all day, and that is bad enough, or is it?

Outrageously shitty parking job, SUV at USC, C...

ASSHOLE

Well, not for some people. There is always that driver who will drive around and around until that perfect place opens up that they can cruise right into. They make driving shitty for you and me.

I remember one time I was behind this stupid lady and the perfect place opened up, but she went forward a little too far. She needed to back up in order to enter this magical spot. She (without even looking at me) sticks her hand out the window and starts waving me back as if me taxiing an airplane. I of course, being Tom Nardone, pulled forward even more to ensure that she would be unsuccessful in her attempt. She tried to wait me out. Yah right. When that didn’t work, she only then, tried politeness, but that didn’t matter because she already became a blip on my asshole radar. She stuck her head out of the window and politely said “Sir could you back up just a little so I can have this spot” I replied, also in a polite tone, “No ma’am I won’t but thank you for asking, and please feel free to take all the time you need. That parking place is my destiny and I have nothing to do all day but wait for it.”. I did not know until that day that a station wagon could burn rubber. I did take the spot. It was nice. At that moment I became the “it serves you right driver”

“Turn Signals”

English: Turn signal lamp on 706RTO Česky: Boč...

On turn signals; I do not require any driver to use their turn signal mainly because I don’t believe them anyway. A turn signal just indicates what direction a person thinks they are going. I do not pay any attention to them anymore.

“The Horn”

On the horn; this is a very important part of my car, second only to the brakes. There are several different ways I honk my horn. If I am of good cheer, then maybe I might

just use “The Bump” (this courtesy is not afforded to people on their cell phones). This is a simple quick blast of the horn. It is an almost friendly sound that sort of says “Hey buddy the light is green now just so you know.” It is the subtlest of horns.

There is also “The Push”. This is for people who are day dreaming. There is no real malice a forethought while using “The Push”, but there is also no real acknowledgement of the drivers feelings either. “The Push” is also used if I am picking someone up and I simply need to alert them from the driveway.

My personal favorite is without a doubt “The Stand”. This is for anybody who meets my own personal list of things that qualify them as an asshole. This is the one that calms the angry beast inside me. Sometimes using this horn makes it worth being out in traffic. There is nothing like that long blast of my horn to indicate to the driver in front of me, that they are a shithead. It also provides this moron with all the public embarrassment and unwanted attention they need to help themselves to make better decisions in the future. It also alerts any other driver in the area that there is a stupid ass among us, and that they should be wary of their presence. I do always make exceptions for certain people. Those would be: handicap people, old people, and of course there is no need to gain any extra attention from police officers. Police cars are the only government vehicles that are exempt from my training program. As I said before, I value my ass and I don’t want it thrown in jail. I do consider it a public service to provide this free training to the general driving public, and though I ask no credit for this act of good will, I have probably saved countless lives all over the country. I hope that is something that will always be said about Tom Nardone; “He gave till it hurt”.

Four Way Stops

On 4 way stops; there seems to be a lot of confusion at 4-way stop signs. There are way too many of them in my area. One thing I used to find annoying is when you get to the

STOP STOP STOP S-T-O-P!!!

My Turn

stop sign and nobody seems to know whose turn it is. I finally figured that out. If I come to a 4 way stop and there is any confusion as to whose turn it is, then it is automatically by default, my turn. This has made it much easier.

Thank you for riding with me. I hope you enjoyed the trip. See you on the road.

Feel free to mention any assholes that I forgot.

Tom Nardone.

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Tom’s Endless Summer 2013

mainevent

Tom’s Endless Summer 2013

There seemed to be a lot of interest in my post on Facebook last night of my wife’s honey-do list that could potentially destroy what was already going to be a crappy summer for  reasons I have mentioned in past articles. For those of you who did not see the email message, I have included it below. My wife sent this to me, and told me to check my email. As she left to go to bed for the night. All she said as was, “We will talk about it in the morning” I checked my email and this is what I found. How about we  go through it line by line.

The Email:

Tom,

I have adopted your life style and the house is crumbling around us. If we work as a team we can do this please help me.   

Your loving wife

1.       Paint the deck and fence ( yes take a close look)
2.       Clean behind the house burn yard trash
3.       Take old swimming pool to the dump
4.       Repair the bathroom ceiling
5.       Repair moldings I will paint
6.       Clean up and repair your Honda
7.       Take a truck load to goodwill
8.       Clean garage
9.       Mulch around house
10.   Clean your rooms I will clean your carpet and paint Continue reading

Brody Bricker Vol I. | Man, That’s a Cadillac

The Adventures of: Brody Bricker

VOL. I

Man, That’s a Cadillac.



tom118 Brody Bricker

Brody Bricker was one of my best friends growing up. He lived to cause trouble. He would do anything to get a reaction out of someone. He had absolutely no conscience, and the only time I ever saw him smile, was after causing any kind of mayhem.

I have changed his name, the names of his victims, and the names of any businesses that might have suffered at the expense of his entertainment.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Brody Bricker

“Man, That’s a Cadillac” 

It was one summer and my friend Brody Bricker called me very excited. His mom had decided to take him to Jekyll Island for a summer vacation. Brody was thrilled when his mom said that he could invite me to go with them. His mom and dad thought a lot of me, and they told my parents that she would pay for everything. My parents were fine with it and told me not to let him get me into any trouble. They knew what brody was. I was 11 years old at the time and had never been to the ocean.

We left early one morning and got there around lunch time. After we checked into our hotel room, Brody’s mom said she was going to the pool and we could do “whatever”.

We decided to go to the beach. We swam for about 2 hours and Brody came over to me and said “Hey Tom, I have to use the bathroom. Come with me. I don’t know if I will remember where the hotel room is” I said that would be fine so we grabbed our towels and went toward the parking lot.

This was a very big hotel complex. The walk back to the room was a good ten minutes, and we had to walk across the parking lot which was a giant plane of black asphalt. I explained to Brody that it would take a while and he said well I am not walking that far. I knew that meant trouble.

Shortly after we began our journey across the parking lot Brody started checking to see who the unfortunate bastard who was stupid enough not to lock his car door would be. I said “Brody are you crazy? What are you doing?” He said “Don’t worry about it Tom and lower your voice, I don’t wanna get caught.” He checked a lot of cars and I was getting irritated.  Just as I was about to say something else, He found one. It was a beautiful silver Cadillac. I really did not know what his plans were.

Like this one

Like this one

Brody said “Tom go stand over there you are not going to want to watch what comes next.” I of course, obliged him and walked far enough away to not see any details, but close enough to see what he was doing. Brody took his swim trunks off and entered the back seat of this Cadillac. He put his feet on the lip of the back seat, and his ass in front of the backseat head rest. He put his hands on the head rests of the front seats. What happened next is one of the worst things I have ever seen. (I will try to be tasteful.)

Brody was obviously having some kind of gastric issues. When the bomb bay doors opened he dropped the entire payload. It was awful. I could hear the awful sounds from fifty feet away.  At first he was laughing so hard he couldn’t stand it, but then the smell hit him and I saw him start to gag. It got to be too much and he started to throw up. He was having a tough time in there as you might imagine. Then finally, he seemed to be finished. I was so relieved. I just knew he would get out of the car, close the door, get dressed, and then we could leave, but not just yet.

I was worried we were going to get caught at this point. I said “Brody what are you doing now!” He immediately resumed his laughter and said “I am almost done. I have to wipe.” He got out of the back seat and closed the door, still with no pants on, and laughing. He opened the front seat, and entered the car for the second time. I had to go in for a closer look. I watched him place the crack of his ass on the lip of the front seat. He then carefully pulled himself from one side of the Cadillac to the other, dragging his ass across it, using the entire length of the front seat to de-soil himself. It reminded me of a dog dragging it’s ass across the yard.

Finally, Brody closed up the car and locked it. He put his trunks on looked at me as if nothing had happened and said “You want to go swim some more?”

For the rest of the day I could not stop thinking about the hot Georgia sun baking the unholy mess that Brody left in that Cadillac.

I have always wondered what kind of reaction these people must have had when they found that their car, for no reason had been made into a crime scene.

Thinking back I just hope that whoever owned that car was some sex offender, or rapist, or any other person that the world deems as undesirable. As an 11 year old kid, it was just funny.