Are you sh#@ting me?

Nobody Does This, and I mean Nobody!!


tom1Yesterday I went into a public restroom. As I was entering, the janitor was leaving, so I had a clean fresh smelling bathroom all to myself. This doesn’t happen too often. It was as if all the previous days filth had been eliminated just for my own personal comfort. It was looking like the beginning of a wonderful day.

I entered the stall furthest from the door. I smiled to myself as I placed a paper-ass-gasket on the seat. I sat down, and prepared for what I knew would be a very enjoyable experience. But then it happened. My bowel bliss came to halt when someone else entered the bathroom. I hoped his stay would be only a brief moment standing in front of the urinal. I thought, surely this man was not going to undermine, what has so far been, a perfect moment in my life. I could not have been more wrong.

I was in stall number four(See figure A), and this asshole came in, and chose to sit in stall number not one, not two, but stall number three. Yes he decided that we would be neighbors. Who does that? If I walk into any room and I have a choice to sit next to a man shitting or not to sit next to a man shitting, I will always choose the latter. Everybody would, but not this man. He sat down and began what I can only describe as a “Growler”. The smell was like a punch in the face. I thought he had eaten a dead person it was so bad. He of course made all the awful sounds….you get the picture. Then his cell phone rang, and of course, he took the call.

“Hello”

“No not yet, I just sat down to take a dump”

“OK, OK, OK”

“I love you too honey, bye bye”

Nice dude. There is not a more attractive thing to a woman than to explain to her what you’re doing in the bathroom. Why didn’t you take the time to give her a live play-by-play commentary?

stalls

Here are the rules for public restrooms, in case you are one of these clowns. This applies to urinals as well. If you need further training please click here to be directed to “Urinal Test” at drinknation.com. (Refer to figure A).

  • If the bathroom is empty, you always choose one 1 or 4, that way if someone comes in they will be able to choose a stall that puts two spaces between you, and it ensures that worse case if the bathroom fills up you are only sitting by one person.
  •  If 1 and 3 are taken you choose 4 that means you can sit by only one person rather than between two people.
  • If 1 and 4 are taken it’s a crap shoot.
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17 thoughts on “Are you sh#@ting me?

  1. Karen Bass

    I agree! I have a hard enough time using a public restroom, let alone going # 2 as I cannot do so if I have an “audience” ! So road trips suck for me because I am now full of shit!!

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  2. Miss Z

    LOL I’m gonna make a somewhat crazy suggestion. If this ever happens to you again, (and if you’re brave or drunk enough) make sounds like you’re playing with yourself. Get really loud! I can guarantee 99% of people will not be able to take a shit while listening to that! As for the other 1%… if you ever come across a freak who can still take a shit whilst listening to your moans, stay in the cubicle and never leave!! Your life will depend on it. *Nods solemnly*

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    1. iamtomnardone Post author

      While your suggestion is well thought out and more creative than any up to this point, I feel that I would be far to irritated to execute such a plan.

      Thank you for trying to help. I did get a good laugh from your idea

      Tom

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  3. ksbeth

    this is very much like a human chess match, complete with etiquette, rules and strategies. perhaps if someone screws up and sits in the wrong stall, you could yell out, ‘checkmate!’

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  4. essaalroc

    Even though I’m a girl, I am so with you in the exact same way. Every time someone walks in when I’m in a public bathroom, I sit there, cheeks clenched, and wait for them to leave. It derives me crazy when they don’t’.

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    1. iamtomnardone Post author

      I really have to say that when people come into the bathroom that I am currently using. I consider their presence as an intrusion. How dare they choose this time to come in and foul up the air that I breathe with there disgusting body waste. It is not rational but I don’t care. Screw’em.

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    1. iamtomnardone Post author

      Thank You bossy,

      Before I knew whether or not to thank you I had to look up the meaning of the word “sage” Having done that, I thank you for the compliment, the like, and for taking time to read my post.

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  5. tinkadele

    I had to come back to this, just to say, that every time that I go to a public restroom now.. I think of you. Granted, it’s not the nicest place to think of someone but I certainly do get a giggle out of it!

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  6. Joe Smith

    So, I like to read at night because it makes me drowsy. Tonight I made the mistake of reading through the previous posts on your blog! This one literally made me laugh till I had tears. Do you know how hard it is not to laugh out loud and wake everybody up when reading this shit? You are without a doubt my new second favorite blogger!

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    1. iamtomnardone Post author

      Joe Thanks alot man. I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed hearing that. I hope for the sake of your family you will either pack it up for the night or take your laptop out in the front yard. HAHA.

      You are gonna have your wife pissed off at both of us.

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